Chase's ER visit...

Well...I knew it was just a matter of time before the Dickinson's broke in the new Parkview Emergency Room clinic here in Pueblo West (it's brand new and just opened a couple weeks ago). Chase was having Alec, Mitchell and Austin over to spend the night. The boys were out jumping on the trampoline. About 8 pm...Chase came in and showed me his right hand (which was severely swollen). He said that Austin wanted to fight (which he has before and I put a stop to it)...got him in a head lock...then came down on his right hand with all his weight...then proceded to further twist Chase's already hurt hand in an effort to break it. Chase said that Austin said he was going to break his hand and arm.

Austin had already left...but apparently he had a bloody nose. Chase said that he was covering his face with his left arm and when Austin came down on his hand, Austin's face hit Chase's elbow.

Nolan talked to Austin's mom...but there was no offer of reimbursing us the cost of having to make an ER visit...since my xray vision no longer works, it was the only way to know for sure if he had a fracture. The ER doctor didn't see any obvious fractures...but he wanted the films to be examined by a radiologist as he was concerned that there could be a fracture at the growth plate at the knuckle of his right index finger.

Waiting til Monday to call the doctor and see if they received a report from the radiologist.

Is it possible to "lose" your groove??

I remember a movie from years ago called, "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" and while her story involved a dreamy vaca to Jamaica (along with a strapping younger man)...mine is nothing of the sort. The "groove" I feel I've lost is caring about things and feeling no purpose. My house is in a state of CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome). Right now, things are absolutely out of control and a complete mess and I just really don't care. Used to be that from time to time...things got outta control and I would reach my tolerance "limit" and have to get it together. I used to love to entertain so that was always an incentive to clean, clean, clean...but for some reason...I just don't care if it gets done or not. Intellectually, I know that's not right...but I can't seem to find my "groove"...that thing that used to drive me...inspire me. So, instead of getting in gear and whipping things into shape (to have company)...I just don't invite anyone over anymore. I used to be able to whip thru this house in a day and have it spik and span in no time. Now, not only do I not have the energy to do that anymore...I honestly don't care if it gets done or not. Like I said, I know that's not right...but I just don't know how to change it. I want to change it...I don't want to feel like this anymore. I think my job sort of added to this already growing problem...in that it gave me an excuse and made me feel less guilty about not getting things done. Right now, I can't even think of decorating for the holidays with the state that this house is in...

We moved the piano out of the living room and back into the formal dining room (which happens to make a nice sitting room right off the entry way). But the love seat and chair that would normally be with the piano is in my living room because I have no other furniture to put in there. The living room looks bare and I hate the color. I really want to paint the upstairs the "toasted tan"...but if I take on a painting project of that magnitude...everything else (laundry, dishes, meals, etc.) will surely sink into deeper dispair. If I could afford to hire it done, believe me, I would. Then in the basement, the entertainment room is still torn up from the 2007 flood. Things are just a hodge-podge of undone, unfinished projects/decorating, etc...I would really like to get new living room furniture along with a nice armoir so we could once again have a tv in the living room. Right now, the only place to watch tv is in the tore up entertainment room...the small kitchen tv or in the bedroom. I have to be realistic in that as much as I want to move...it's probably not going to happen for a while (given the state of the economy/housing market)...so if I have to be here (like I have a choice) I might as well try to make it comfortable and livable. I think part of the problem with this house is that ever since we moved in...we've been trying to sell it and move out...so in a sense, I don't think we've ever actually settled in fully. Maybe I should make that my goal (for the new year) to finally settle in here. I have to some how quit hating it here...cause we may be stuck here for a while.

I'll be thinking about getting my "groove" back...

Another Thanksgiving bites the dust...

Well...we made it thru another Thanksgiving. We had TG in Boulder with my sis and her family. I felt bad that we were late getting there Wednesday (was trying to get up there by noon as it's a 3 hour drive...or 2 1/2 if Nolan's driving LOL)...but this, that and the next thing led us to not even getting out of town til about 2:45 pm and we arrived around 5:30 pm...surprisingly, Denver traffic wasn't that bad...but maybe slowed us up 20 min. or so. Anyway, I felt bad cause Peg had been cooking all day (she had the pies done, the cranberries done, and the stuffing done)...so I didn't feel like I did my share...but I did do all the potatoes (reg. mashed and sweet) on Thursday. That turkey was one of the best I've ever had...it was awesome. The meal was heavenly. Of course I ate too much and suffered for about an hour, LOL...but what can I say??

On our way to Boulder, we stopped at the mall cause I needed to get my anniversary ring checked and also to get some make up at Dillards. Anyway, while we were in Zales, Nolan asked me if there was anything that I wanted (they were having an awesome Pre-Black Friday sale)...so I picked out a neat, casual sterling silver bracelet and also a very nice gold/silver bracelet (I have so many nice necklaces and earings that what I really wanted/needed were some nice bracelets)...so for my birthday present, I got silver and gold...Not too bad!! Happy Birthday to me...it's only right since I spent my birthday alone (Nolan was in Durango) LOL!! Will post pic as soon as I get my camara out of Nolan's vehicle.

Where has my PURPOSE gone?

Thanks to a dear friend...I believe I've figured out exactly what's missing in my life. I really thought that losing my job was what's had me spiraling down into the dark, lonely abyss. But it's not the job really...it was the "purpose" that I felt doing "that" job. Suddenly, everything is so clear. I know I had been struggling since turning 40...knowing that I wasn't "planning" anymore dear children. Being a wife and mother is the only "purpose" I had ever known...and while technically, I am still a wife and mother...I am not needed in the same way anymore. When I surprisingly turned up pg at 40 1/2...I believed my "purpose" had been renewed (one more time)...like getting your driver's license renewed every 4 yrs. I felt that there had been divine intervention on my behalf...and just when I began to wrap my mind around it...to embrace it with my whole heart and soul...it was over at 12 weeks...4 days. On 05-04-05, my life changed forever as during my D&C...I made the decision to have the tubal ligation...the potential for any further "purpose" ended that day. Yes, it was my decision...no one held a gun to my head...I signed on the dotted line...but little did I know the monumental, life altering storm that was about to follow. I don't think it's possible for a doctor to even scratch the surface of tyring to prepare one for this. I remember sitting there in my doctor's personal office (outside the exam room) following one last u/s to confirm m/c...and Nolan was with me. I was insisting on the TL cause I couldn't fathom the idea of going thru another pg (planned or unplanned) and possibly experiencing that heartache again. I vaguely remember Nolan and Dr. Meeuwsen trying to talk me out of it...but hey, I was 40 yrs. old, had 4 kids already...shouldn't be a big deal. Well, I don't think anyone could have prepared me for what I was going to feel...and still do, though the seering pain (emotional) that I once felt...is really only a dull ache now.

For a year or so after that...I felt like I was walking around in a fog. My physical wounds healed...but I was definitely just "going thru the motions" of life. I felt like a drifter in my own house...not sure where I belonged...starting one project after another...only to not finish anything I started. I guess it was about that time that Nolan asked me to help him with the Atmos work. I honestly didn't want to do it...but we needed the extra income and I guess at the time, that was reason enough. Little did I know back then...that somehow, somewhere along the way...I would once again feel "purpose"...nothing like creating my home and family (that's top shelf)...but I started from complete "scratch"...I know some computer basics...but never ran (much less created) an office "system" before. I guess it was somewhat satisfying to create something from nothing. Nolan said he "needed" me...and I know doing his "clerk work" was a big help to him and to Tim too. I felt needed. Even though I don't think the office fully understood all that I did...I could really handle it (the people in the office)...except Pam. I cannot believe what a true 2-face she really is. Okay, she's a Bitch with a capitol B. I thought I got along pretty good with everyone...but of all the people in the office...Pam seemed to go out of her way to make me feel like shit. I never did anything to her except try and make her freakin' job easier. Before I came to work...I "thought" we were friends...OMG, she is the last person in the world that I would have thought would treat me that way. If there's any silver lining and/or good thing that has come from my lay off...it's that I no longer have to kiss Pam's ass...and at this point, I'm hoping that I can keep my drinking under control at the office Christmas party next month...so that I can control my "loose lips". For some strange reason, when I drink...I am 100% honest. That could be a good or bad thing depending on the situation (and people involved). I am going to "try" and be good...I don't want to burn my bridges perse. At this point, I am not "expecting" to go back to work there...but if there was the opportunity to do so, I would consider it if the upper management (and not Nolan) offered me my job back...depending on what else is going on...but at any extent...I don't want to burn "all" my bridges...insulting her, certainly isn't worth that. I just need to be patient...sit back and watch KARMA do it's thing (what goes around, comes around)...I have seen it in action too many times to deny that it works.

Oops...I got off track here. Okay, before I was so rudely interrupted by "thoughts about Pam"...I was discussing my "purpose" or lack thereof. So yeah, maybe it's not the job that I'm missing so much...but the purpose that it seemed to have given me. I felt good about contributing financially and helping us out of debt...It felt good to have my own paycheck after 14 yrs. (though Nolan generously hands over a huge chunk of his check as my household allowance) it still made me feel good about it. Nolan and Tim both...just went on and on how they couldn't do this without me. I admit, that really made me feel good...I was helping someone out...making their job, their life a little easier. Yeah, it's not rocket science or brain surgery, but I guess it made me feel better than I had realized (or appreciated). The old: don't know what you've got, til it's gone!! Okay, I think that was a song back in the eighties (Cinderella??)...but still, I think I'm beginning to understand what I'm feeling. The problem is...I don't know how to fix it. I'm not sure if the job gave me purpose or purpose gave me a job. I don't know where to find it (purpose) in my life. I don't even know where to begin...

I almost missed the Coldplay concert...

Funny thing...today I got an reminder email from Ticketmaster...reminding me of the up and coming Coldplay concert on November 21st. The 21st?? OMG...I had it in my mind and written down and everything else as being on November 28th. I guess originally, given the date...I just assumed it was the day after Thanksgiving...so when I first saw that TG was on the 27th...I made the association of the concert being the day after (the 28th)...OMG, I would have gone balistic if I had missed the concert! I even went and looked at my tickets to make sure...so I'm officially "losin' it", LOL!!

If it's not Scottish, it's crappppp...

Well, thought I should ad Jim's "Epic Beer Chug". This was done back in April 2008 (I think)...

Jimmy called...

Yes...on Election day of all days. OMG, you can't believe my relief to hear his voice! I was seriously starting to freak out. Guess he got a job with Steph at Holiday Inn and they're in the midst of mid-terms...but that's no excuse not to call your mother for weeks on end, LOL!! I'm just glad everyone and everythings okay!