Looks like a full weekend!!

Ha ha...Michelle called me this morning and wanted to know if Nolan and I were going to the Tumbleweed on Friday night. I really hadn't planned on it since we already have plans to go out on Saturday night...but she said Lee had a really good time and was looking forward to having a Friday night thing! So...I told Nolan we're going LOL, but we have to eat, first thing and NO shots!! OMG...Michelle and Lee are a blast! I didn't have high expectations...but Michelle is a lot like me in that she likes to get up and mingle or "work" the room! Lee and Nolan are a "little" more reserved and laid back! Should be fun!!

Saturday night is the infamous Barn Dance...crap, we haven't been for years. I honestly don't remember the last time we attended one (I'm thinking Taylor was a baby) IDK...shoot, I can't even remember what organization puts it on...but I'm kinda looking forward to it...Maybe P will be there and I can give her a piece of my mind, LOL!! Nahhhh...she ain't worth it! We're suppose to go with Jill and Jack (she wanted to share Taylor with babysitting), but I haven't heard back from the email I sent her. I think the last time we went, my ex-inlaws were there. I did talk to my ex MIL, but ex FIL wouldn't even look at me (sheesh...sorry I divorced your son like 23 yrs. ago, K???)...anyway, his brother John is usually there cause I can't remember, but I think he used to work for Colordo Machinery and Equipment...but I couldn't swear to it! I saw his wife Donna last year at the oral surgeon's office (I was there with Taylor who was getting a tooth pulled). She called my name...and wow, I wouldn't have even recognized her had she not called my name. Anyway...I'm up for kickin' my heels up this weekend!

Then Sunday...we're going up to Denver (time to give 'my boy Tim' some much needed "shit" LOL)...I think the plan is to take some of the guys out Monday night. That freakin' Denver Xcel job is not going good. Tim's been crabby as hell and I know Nolan is starting to get stressed out. I think he's gonna be spending a lot more time up there til that job is done. I hate when he's gone, but it will give me the much needed evenings to get more stuff done around here...

Can't wait for Friday!!

It's an "Angel" thing...

Okay...I meant to write about this yesterday, but I never got a chance...so I wanted to write about it while it was still fresh in my memory LOL!!

After my doctor's appt. yesterday...I needed to run by the post office in town to return something (a package) because the PW post office no longer takes pkgs larger than 16 oz. (whatever)...so while I was in town, I thought I'd drop the postage paid package at the main PO (I also had a card to mail to Dad)...anyway, when I got into the post office and was walking thru the line, I noticed a display on my right and something immediately caught my eye. It was a framed picture entitled: A Stamp Art History of Angels. So after I got my pkg and card dropped off...I went over and picked up that picture. There was a sign above that said 40% off xmas packing stuff. So I walked over to their retail counter and asked the gentleman there if this picture was included in the 40% off sale. Unfortunately is wasn't...but I just had to have it! I told the guy that I was a bit of an Angel "freak" and that I collected angles, etc...I said I even met an angel. He was intrigued and begged me to share the story. Well, anyone who's heard my angel story knows it is not a short one...but he didn't seem to mind. I did condense it the best I could...but still I stood there for at least 20 minutes telling this story (thankfully, it was fairly early in the morning and the PO wasn't busy at all). After I concluded the story...he was just stunned with amazement and told me that he had goose bumps.

Then...he shared a story with me. OMG...it was so cool and then I had goosebumps. We talked and talked and talked til another customer approached. I put the picture on my stupid Visa and he handed me the receipt to sign and a pink ball point pen. I signed my name with this pen and is was soooo cool. I told him I LOVE this pen. He told me to keep it and he said I want you to have this too...and he reached over and grabbed a Dove dark chocolate (which he said is good for my heart) and a couple of Hershey's kisses...Awwwww, too darn sweet that Fred was (that was his name btw). It was just a really interesting conversation and every once in a while, I meet someone and feel "connected" somehow. Anyway...during the course of our conversation...I mentioned the book, "Conversations With God" and he immediately grabbed a pen and post it note to jot down the title. I'll be curious to see if he reads it and what he thinks. I think another trip to the main PO is in order in a few weeks.

I'm thinking I need to start a talk group called "Angels Annonymous" LOL...I really would love to hear others' angel encounters and I think, like me...most people are probably pretty particular about who they share it with as most people will think you're a little "cuckoo" LOL. I don't normally go around and talk about angels with strangers, but for some reason...I knew he would "understand" and it was nice! So now I have a really cool pink pen that will always remind me of that interesting day/conversation. As soon as I get the pic out of the package...I'll try to scan it and post it here. It's neat as it has about seven different angel stamps and then some angel "sayings".

Angels...what do you think??

Wednesday News!

Well...here it is "hump day" again, LOL! So what's up today? Well...I didn't sleep worth crap last night...so draggin' my tired ass outta bed was not an easy task. I did manage to get up and at least get one kid off to school. Paige was sleeping like a rock and since she's had a touch of a cold (or possibly allergies) I thought I'd just let her sleep and rest today. Then Taylor wanted to miss first hour, but by the time I got her butt outta bed, she didn't want to go...so she got a free day. Paige is fine (a little sniffley), but no fever and she's been fine the rest of the day...so school tomorrow, LOL!

Anyway, Taylor and I made a trip to Wal Mart. She wanted to look at that bedroom set and I needed to fill my Rx. An hour and a half later, we finally got outta there (N came home for lunch and stayed with Paige). We picked up Subway for lunch, but by the time we got home...I felt like I had been run over by a Mack truck and then slightly electrocuted. I ate my Subway Club (on wheat of course)...but still felt weak and tired. My cousin Steve called and we BS'd on the phone for almost an hour...I love that guy!! But, by the time I got off the phone with him...I was so tired I had to go lay down. So me and Zoey went and laid down for a nap. I was listening to the Weather Channel and I did fall asleep for about an hour. Got up from that and still feeling blah...I just haven't got much accomplished today.

Oh yeah...along with Steve, I also talked to Michelle and Tim today too! And I got a nice (freakin' funny) email from Clay. I really hope he'll make it to the PBR in May. We're tenetively planning on going on the 15th (as the 16th is our 17th anniversary and Paige's recital is also that weekend, not sure if she's dancing on Sat. or Sun. yet)...so we figured we better try to go to the Fri. 15th show since the weekend was pretty booked. We're suppose to help Tim with his moving the weekend before sooooo...I don't know how I'm gonna get anything done with so many weekend comittments...that and now the graduation announcements are starting to flow in, YAY! Think I'll just send checks and call it done...

Anyway...Nolan had to go back to Denver tonight (wish they'd quit scheduling meetings for 7 freakin' A.M.)...he got the kids McDonalds before he left...so at least I didn't have to cook. I've got so much to do between now and Jim & Steph's visit...yikes!! That and the party...I don't know how, but I'm sure I'll get it done. Better start by staying off this &*&^% computer, LOL!!

Oh and then there's the Father's Day fiasco...I'm not telling Peg that nobody wants to rent a cabin...sooooooo....I said I'd be happy to host an event here...but I gotta put together something for Dad too...I need more time to get all this stuff done!!! Where's the time fairy when you need her???

Oh...and our land line was temporarily disconnected today. Not sure when...cause I used the phone this morning. Let me just say...I hate Qwest and I hope they go broke, HA!! I'm still not sure what the deal was as when I called (from my cell phone) their office was closed and I just did an automated payment. My last bill says the payment isn't due til May 8th...so who knows, but I still hate Qwest and as soon as possible, I'm going to bundle our phone service with Comcast! So...take that Qwest!

Hmmmm....what else. Oh yeah...I did get my new Rx for muscle relaxers...thought I better wait and take them tonight...especially as bad as I felt this afternoon. I am at least 50% better though...figures since I just went to Urgent Care and then made an appt. with the new doctor...but, I'm suppose to do some physical therapy as well...I'm planning on getting back on my treadmill on May 1st. This time, I will take it much slower. I know I was pushing myself too hard (trying to keep up the 4 miles/day)...leave it to me to get a sports injury (hamstring) by just walking LOL!! Anyway...I'm extremely anxious to get back with the program...albeit, a little slower this time. Guess I'm just not as young as I used to be, LOL!! Thankfully, tomorrow I don't have anything scheduled and I'm gonna get my closet cleaned out come hell or high water...so I can get it painted before or during the weekend. Taylor's been madly cleaning out her room preparing for the big switch...so I might be able to get Paige and Chase moved so I can start cleaning the office carpet. Personally, I think we should just rip that sucker outta there...but somehow Nolan's convinced that a good cleaning's all it needs.....hmmmmm, okay...you're the boss! I will get my new carpet one way or another! So...while the "house" thing isn't moving as quickly as I had hoped...it's coming along. I am going to be pushing like a mad woman to get Nolan to get the garage cleaned out (so I can start hauling unused furniture out there)...get our swamp cooler going...and to fix the sprinkler heads in the 2 flower beds so it will be ready for planting on Mother's day weekend! Oh boy...he's gonna think I'm a raving BEE-OTCH!! Hey...it has to get done and I can't do it all...so now the pressure begins, LOL!

I see my phone is working again (&*&%$%^ Qwest)...amazing what $132 can do...now to call Comcast and "stick it" to Qwest...YES, YES, YES...

Speaking of phones...I need to call Dad tomorrow. Haven't talked to him for a few days now. Oh...I forgot to mention the friggin' hilarious message that "Elvis" left on my phone. He's been calling me off and on ever since our lunch "incident", but I haven't answered his calls. I became even more enraged when Mike told me that he talked to Artie and I guess Artie confronted him about it and he denied the whole thing...ummmm....like I would make up such a rediculous thing...PULLLEASE! So, a couple days ago, he calls (usually doesn't leave a message)...lo and behold, he left a voicemail...And what did it say praytell?? Well...something like this:

"Ummm, yeah Carolyn...I've got some bad news about Arthur...ummm, it seems he's decided to disown me...so please give me a call when you can....thanks"

OMG...seriously??? Well...I decided that it was high time for me to confront him. I mean I can't keep avoiding his phone calls and I felt it necessary to set the record straight. Needless to say...we had it "out" on the phone. I told him I was not happy about what happened at our lunch meeting. He said he just assumed that I felt the same way...oh GAG!! Then he said, "Nolan's not going to beat me up is he??"...I told him I wouldn't worry about Nolan, but if he ever pulled any crap like that again "I" would kick his ass and he could COUNT on that!! LOL He totally screwed up his "in" with me...and now he wants me to call Artie and try to smooth things over. He lied to Artie about the lunch thing...and he tells me he didn't lie about it...he just didn't tell the whole truth ((rolls eyes))...I mean I don't have a problem calling Artie, but the fact of the matter is...Artie disowned "Elvis" (as did Chris) years ago...Elvis just can't accept that his two sons can't stand him and that they both think he's a LOOO-SERRRR...which is mostly true.

This led to an epiphany of mine. I wondered how did I always manage to get myself into these precarious situations and involved with the strangest of the strange people. It's like I have a sign on my head...Weidos come here!! LOL...but then I remembered something from my childhood (which is rare these days as I seem to have CRS all the time) and I recalled bringing home numerous "wayward" animals to my house to be rescued. OMG...I'm still doing it...except it's not animals now...it's "wayward" people...and I have a pretty long list of people that I've tried to rescue. Rescue from life's harshness...rescue from others...rescue from themselves...see??? Why do I have this need to rescue and befriend life's "cast-offs"?? It's like I can't help it even though realistically, I know this is crazy...but I do it and probably will con't to do it, sigh...

Anyhow...I'm glad I got the chance to let Elvis know exactly where we stand and that if he ever tries something stupid like that again...he better cover his balls!! LOL

Going to bed...

Kitty Update...

Well...Jordan did eat a little baby food this afternoon and some of her dry food too. I also gave her some water with a dropper. Hopefully I can doctor up her wound tonight (with N's help)...

Update (4/29)...Jordan's doing better. The Neosporin seems to be working pretty good. The wound is markedly improved (though not completely healed yet), but she's acting a lot more like "herself" (eating well, drinking, and using her litter box)...so for now, I think she's going to be fine, but I'm still keeping a close eye on her for the next few days and especially til I'm sure that her surgical site it completely healed!

No puppies or kittens...

Zoey and Jordan were spayed on April 20th (at the Spay & Neuter clinic)...So far, Zoey is healing excellent! She's pretty much back to her old self with a tiny scar...Jordan WAS doing really well the first few days...now she's not. She doesn't seem real bad, but she won't eat anything (not even the baby food)...otherwise, she doesn't seem to be in any discomfort and she's acting normal in every other way...so, hmmmm?? Her incision does not look "bad" but it's not healing like Zoey's is. I was thinking maybe I should try and treat it with some peroxide and Neosporin. I was not fond of that clinic and I seriously hate to even take her back there. I'm gonna see how she is tomorrow and go from there.

I'm dreaming of a white Easter??

Yeah...we can't seem to get any snow on Christmas...but here's Easter morning 2009!!

The kids got rubber maid boxes this year instead of baskets (glad they can "re-use" them for something else)....

Chase and Paige very excited about their Easter goodies!!

Zoey & Jordan looking for eggs??? LOL

Taylor with her candy "stash" and iTunes card! That always brings a smile to her face!!

Paige is the only one who can hold Jordan like this!! Crazy cat!

Overall...Easter was a success! We had a nice "laid back" day...with fried chicken and potato salad for dinner! Anyway, figured I better post the Easter pics before Mays rolls around in a few days! LOL

The Jack's Mannequin/Fillmore Experience...

Well...as promised, the whole JM/Fillmore experience unveiled!! First of all...thank you Natalie for sharing your awesome pics (I foolishly left my "real" camara behind because the Fillmore site said no camaras, DUH...so the only pics I have are from my crappy cell phone)...anyway, since Natalie was in the first row by the stage (I'm so jealous!!), she took some amazing photos of Andrew McMahon (as well as Lou vs Diamond and Matt Nathanson, the two opening acts).

Hmmmm...well, it started with Nolan just dropping Mike and I off at the door as there is no parking nearby. So we start to go thru security, when Mike announces that he has a pocket knife. Holy crap...well, needless to say...we had to get rid of it. So I waited by the venue while Mike walked over to meet Nolan so he could put his knife away (oy), LOL! While he was gone, a homeless guy with a shopping cart came over to where I was standing and asked me what time it was. He had the funniest sign on his cart. It simply said: NEED MONEY FOR HOOKER!! Omg...it was too funny!

Mike finally got back and we went in. It's really a cool place for a concert with it's old wooden floor to the crystal chandeliers. Like I said before, the floor is all general admission (standing room only)...with steps leading up to a higher level that wraps around the whole building. Anyway, to the right of the stage on the raised level are a row of about 8 or 10 tables that sit along the railing and is roped off from the general admission. We were seated at table E! It really was an excellent spot (the Fillmore has been redeemed, LOL). There was absolutely no moshing (which doesn't surprise me as JM is seriously mellow).

Anyway...the first act was Lou vs. Diamond and they were pretty good! Then Matt Nathanson played and he was not only awesome, but he was funny as hell too! Some chick flung her bra up there and he stuck it on his mike stand and joked on and on about it (it was pretty funny)!





So...anyway, JM played for a good solid hour maybe hour and a half. IDK...I'm just always inspired to hear AM perform live. His music is so touching and insightful. Sometimes it's hard for me to believe he's just a kid (okay, he's 25 or so, but that's still a kid to me, LOL)...





Anyway...the concert was a blast...and I'm so glad I got to see them again (for the third time). I will always make the effort to go and see them when they're in Colorado!




















































Thanks AM for an awesome evening and for singing and playing your heart out with such passion.

Jack's Mannequin tonight!!

Well...tonight's the night!! Yay...finally! Seems like I've been waiting forever for this concert. I am, however...a little apprehensive about going back to the Fillmore after the "mosh pit" experience there. Uh yeah, I can laugh about this now, but at the time...it was pure insanity, seriously having been to hundreds of concerts all my life, I had never witnessed such a calamity. What's even crazier is that I really don't think that Jack's Mannequin (aka: piano band) is the type of band or music to elicit a mosh pit response and in fact, it wasn't even JM that was performing when the whole mosh thing broke out. The band (one of the opening acts), whose name escapes me (I think I probably just blocked it out from PTMPS or Post Traumatic Mosh Pit Syndrome, LOL) was about as opposite of JM as could possibly be. Some kind of acid rock screamers...horrible! And really, since I'm on the topic of these mosh pits...I'm sorry, but I just don't "get it"! What is fun about slamming into people, throwing things at others, and just plain being "obnoxious" while others are actually trying to enjoy the music/performance. IDK...I will never understand it.

Anyway...the Fillmore Auditorium (downtown Denver) was an old skating rink (from the early 1900s) which has been transformed into many things over the years including the concert venue that it is today. It has a large wood floor (which is general addmission) and there is no seats, it's all standing room (or moshing room) only. There are a limited number of table seating (which we have), but I am still nervous about how that's going to work (like are the tables general admission in and of themselves). The table tickets were a little more expensive, but I knew Nolan wouldn't even consider going back there if we had to stand on the floor. So, I guess we'll see.

We're going with Mike (my surrogate son) and Crazy Natalie (that should be interesting). Haven't even seen Natalie for almost a year. She didn't come by when Jim was here for xmas...but she was here a lot when Jim and Steph came home last May for our anniversary. Anyway, she love's JM and has also seen them a few times...the last time being last November when they were at the Bluebird theater in Denver. I was going to get tickets to that concert, but after looking at it thru ticketmaster, the next time I went back to buy tickets, they were sold out. I'm hoping since JM was just in Denver, that "maybe" it won't be jam packed.

Anyway...full report to follow this weekend. Wish us luck, LOL!! I will also have to write about Andrew McMahon. He is the singer/song writer/creator of JM...and in his incredibly young life, he has an insight on life that many people never have their entire lives. He's got a pretty amazing story having just recently survived leukemia...he's really an amazing person and inspiration.

What a difference a day makes...

Wow...I was certainly on the rampage a couple days ago, LOL...but I actually feel so much better today. Kinda like when you're feeling so queasy and it's a horrible feeling. Soon as you throw up...you feel so much better. So...I guess after my verbal vomit , I am feeling better today having gotten so many bad, angry, awful feelings out. I feel "purged"!! Seriously...I'm really not a mean person LOL, but I have to admit I have my moments. I rarely ever unleash on real live people (though yes I do lose my temper from time to time)...but it did feel good to just come here and let it all spew out! Anyway...I don't want to offend people, but on the other hand...this is my blog and I have to feel like this is the one place I can come and be 100% ME. Love me...or hate me, but this is who I am (some good, some bad and some ugly too). If I have to worry about being "politically correct" on my own blog...then I might as well just throw it in now. So, my apologies for having shown my "ugly" side. Like I said...I don't go around yelling at people or putting them down IRL...but it's helpful to be able to come here and write it down and just simply purge myself of any bad feelings and/or frustrations. As always...feel free to skip my rants!

Today's rant is over, sort of...

Yeah...can you believe I'm actually tired of "ranting" LOL...I am, my eyes are going crossed looking at the screen...and I'm yawning!I have to say...today's writing (ranting) has been quite theraputic. I think far to often I hold everything inside. I know Nolan will listen to me, but at the same time...I always feel like I'm just dumping more crap on his already "crap filled" plate...so there just never seems to be a good time to dump on him...it's usually only when I've reached the boiling point that I "dump" and by then...well, I don't know if it does any good at all. Okay now that I haven't done literally one thing today other than pound this keyboard and one load of towels...I can sign off with an entire night's worth of guilt too...YAY!! Just another day in paradise, right?

Work? KRSC, my new nemesis...

Wow...talk about not knowing what you have til it's gone...yeah, I had it made and didn't even realize it! How's that for fucking karma?? Jesus...I sure musta been a shitty person in my last life, LOL!

Okay...the job thing. Hmmmm...where do I begin to talk about that "thorn in my side"?? It really is a bittersweet kinda thing in that I did get a few "good" things out of it like DD, a paycheck, office skills, etc...but all in all...now I'm so bitter towards the entire company that while we could use the money and couldn't ask for a more ideal working set-up...I don't think I could stomach ever working for them again! Those people...that company makes me literally ill. The crapola I put up with all in the name of help. Yeah...remember...this wasn't my brain child. I didn't just wake up one day and think...wow, I'd like to go to work for KRSC and be someone's bitch and put with loads of bullshit I can do nothing about. Nope....not at all how it happened. I think some of my issues are interwoven with other issues and this seems to be one that is interwoven into my issue with Nolan's resistance to helping me get out of this house (when I dropped everything to help him). It just seems so unfair somehow!

So now...where does this leave me? We're getting by (financially)...but I have Nolan's (meager...and I mean "meager") bonus to help fill in the gaps...but I'm having to use it very sparingly in order to make it last...but, eventually...it will run out. Then what? The thought of getting an "outside" job truly terrifies me...I mean to the point of a serious anxiety attack. I also have a conumdrum in that...while we need the money (or we will when the other money runs out) I also need the "time" it's going to take to work on the house (painting, cleaning, decluttering, etc.)...either way, something's gotta give! So, I'm trying to figure out how to get it all done by myself...I'm really not sure that I want to work (outside the home) at all. I've been home for so long now that I'm just not sure that I can "fit in" to the outside world anymore. My opinions of nouns (people, places and things) are not so politically correct these days. I think if we were out of this hell hole, I might actually enjoy being a full time homemaker, sahm or what have you. I can't and I won't enjoy it as long as I feel like I'm imprisoned here and/or that we're struggling financially...but the twist of fate here is that had we not moved here...we wouldn't be as financially (s)trapped and none of this would be an issue. Getting a job is not going to make me happy...it might lighten the fiancial load, but that's it. I like taking care of my family...though I seem to seriously suck at it lately.

I think part of what happens to me...is always feeling respnsible for filling everyone's tanks (I'm not talking about my husband and children)...but rather some on the outside that are constantly plugging into me for support, energy, laughs, etc...I willingly give of my time, attention, humor to fill others' tanks...to build them up and make them feel good. And I think most of the time without giving it a second thought. I think when my supplies run low is when I have my breakdowns....I'm tired, I'm drained and people are always wanting more, more, more from me. I think I actually get angry at myself for not being able to continually give when I'm completely empty...yet I have to fill my own tanks before I can fill anyone elses at that point. It's like right now...I'm in a funk (do ya think??)...I'm tired, I've been in pain for 6 wks, and things are beginning to get to me...I know I just need some time to re-juice and this mood will pass. I'm finding it incredibly helpful writing everything down here...like I can unleash on my keyboard instead at my loved ones. I get so fed up and angry at people...but time and time again, like a poor slob...I always go back for more (punishment)...I care when I shouldn't and I end up right here time and time again.

Did I mention I'm tired? Thank God...not only did Nolan take Paige to dance class...he's bringing home KFC and liquor! I think with the liquor, Advil and Xanax...I might feel better soon!

Just when you thought there couldn't be any more fury left...

OMG...my anger is completely out of control. I had an interesting conversation with OS a few weeks ago. He called in the late night hours (that in itself gave me a shot of adrenalin hardy enough to revive a corpse)...that coupled with a crying voice on the other end about sent me straight to the nut house right then and there. As much as I like to think of myself as a strong individual...I'm not and I even suck worse during a crisis. Well, after getting my heart out of my throat...I was stunned at what I heard on the other end. The words I heard truly broke my heart of hearts. Made me question myself and my responsibility...and where do you go from there? How can I fix this? This has been eating at me for weeks now...I think there could be some kind of genetic factor as I seem to have the same problem as OS. I know exactly how he feels...it's a vicious fucking circle. Rage/anger builds (seemingly over stupid shit sometimes)...half the time, I don't even know even know why I'm mad. Kinda like now...everything that is pissing my shit off isn't necessarily off today's menu...but rather a compilation of shit over time...some of it days...some of it weeks or months and other issues like my weight and the house have been ongoing for years. I think I have a way of mentally sweeping things under the carpet...which temporarily makes it "okay"...I mean, outta sight...outta mind right? Well, I guess it does work for a while...but like a festering splinter, it eventually works it's way back to the surface again...which comes out in a fury.

Anyway...I was talking about the vicious cycle...oh wait, make that the fucking, vicious cycle: anger festers...rage builds...explosion occurs...the wrath is shown with no regard for anyone's feelings, because at the height of rage, there is no reasoning. Hell, even in my own mind tries to tell me to "chill" and I'm like, "fuck you" I'm pissed off and I'm enjoying breaking things and you're not going to stop me!! Yeah...some serious shit...but when the dust settles...reasoning and compassion return, all that's left in it's wake is hurt and regret. I've hurt...now I regret! I feel terrible...horrible...as bad as a human being can feel. I don't want to hurt the ones I love...God...they're the last people in the fucking world that I want to hurt...yet, it seems they're always the receiver of my wrath and hurt. Now...back to the cycle...so having hurt the one(s) you love...great remorse, regret and dispair sets in. Then...feeling like the lowest scumbag in the world...depression hits and I begin to feel like a worthless piece of shit which makes me start analyzing all that created this problem in the first place. I sweep the thoughts under the rug...and thus, the cycle begins again. Now, it may be a day til it cycles thru again...could be a month or more...I just never know.

So now the question is...how do I fix this?? Well...I've tried fixing this before see...about 5 yrs ago is when I first tried Lexapro. It was mainly given to me as an anti-anxiety med...but I found that it had an interesting "side-effect". I found that all the little things and even the big ones...just didn't "bother" me...in fact, nothing bothered me. At the time, it was like I was on an extended mental vaca (not like the 2 hour one like after drinking 4 martinis). It was actually really nice to give my mind a "rest"...all the worries...all the cares...all the problems...all the everything just didn't seem to phase me. At first it was really great. It was like I was seeing the world in a new and different light for the first time. I even thought, wow...the glass is half full! Well...it all sounds fine and dandy...but my little mental vaca nearly cost me my marriage. I like to refer to that time as "the year of the pill". It's hard to imagine how one tiny, little, innocent pill could wreak such havoc in one's life...but it did. One other strange side effect was that I didn't seem to have any "impulse" control and did a few things that I'm sincerely not proud of and that I highly regret. Well, but there's no going back on that now. So in essence...I cured one problem...but created another (something extremely common with today's medications). Anyway...while I wasn't feeling the "bad" stuff in life...I also wasn't feeling the good...in fact, as I recall...I didn't really "feel" anything. It was like on a feeling scale...I was just "neutral" in all respects. And while the mental/emotional break was kinda nice/good...I simply can't function without my feelings (good, bad or indifferent)...but how can I function when one of my feelings is so outta whack?
How do I function when anger and rage are always simmering under the surface ready to explode at the slightest nudge?

Like the other prisons in my life...it's yet another dilema that I can't or haven't figured out how to solve. I'm trapped in this house...I'm trapped in my fat body and I'm also a ticking time bomb never knowing when it might go off or what might set it off. Oh and while my rant is still good and hot...I just want to say that I think all these CEOs who stole and got rich off of our hard work...should be tortured, hung and quartered and then left to die a slow agonizing death (wow, I can't believe I just said that). Every time I turn on the news or open the newspaper...I'm infuriated. How do these people sleep at night??? Well, probably in the finest hotels no doubt! It's sickening...we've lost so much money over the last year...I'm not sure we'll have any retirement left if the day comes when Nolan CAN retire. It's no longer a matter of WHEN he wants to retire...but IF he CAN at all. Okay...well, I'll save my CEO stealing, gov't intruding, welfare frauding post for another time. Onto one of my favorite topics: work!!

The speed of light, Part 2...

Oh boy...I swear, if my hip and knee didn't hurt like hell, I'd march my sorry ass downstairs to the printer where I could scan the note I received from the teacher...Ms. M, though...it seems like 2 different hand writings, I'm going to assume the note is from her since there is no signature from Mrs. K. So for your reading enjoyment, here's the note (as copied word for word from me), note: my comments in red (like that's not obvious):

This experiment may be a little more complicated than Chase is ready to handle. Sheesh, really? Where oh where did you ever get that idea?? Perhaps it's cause he's only 11 and never had trigonometry or physics, no? He only finished reading it yesterday. He chose this experiment because it looked easy. No....you're killing me here with your infinite wisdom. But, I have even a better explanation...now, Lord knows I'm no professional, but I have a hunch that he chose this project in a legitimate attempt to aquire a laser pointer...but I could be wrong, NOT! They may change to a different experiement if needed (oh it's needed all right). This experiment was designed with a difficulty of 7-8 (now surely she doesn't me a grade level 7 or 8...I mean if your freaking parents can't figure it out, then maybe it shouldn't be an option at all) maybe it means you need 7 or 8 years of college, IDK.

Well...she was nice enough to enclose Snell's law (aka the law of refraction or the law of sines)...but even with that handy, dandy tool...I still can't do it. I admit, I got thru high school and nursing school, but I'm no Einstein and the only thing more puzzling to me than science...is math. You know, I'm sorry that apparently I'm just not smart enough to participate in your lovely little science fair, but at this point, I really don't care if Chase takes a ZERO as I've already wasted enough brain cells trying to figure this out...all in the name of "education". Wow...I wish we could fire our teachers when they're just plain stupid! First of all...if the project was way over Chase's head (and she obviously recognized it), then why didn't she assign something else? I mean isn't that HER job?? OMG...conferences (student led) are Thurs. and Fri...and honestly, I'm not sure how I can go and even be civil to this woman. In fact, Nolan is taking Paige to dance tonight cause, seriously...if that skinny bitch of a teacher says anything mean and hateful to my kid...I might have to snap her radius in two...and don't think I can't do it! That, and why people...why did Paige have to be put in a class with Mrs. KRSC jr.?? I mean come on...it's not bad enough that I have to be insulted by her MIL twice a year...but now I have to look at her once a week as well? Fortunately for me...her dd has 2 left feet and doesn't have a rhythmic bone in her body. I can only hope that next session she decides to take gymnastics or soccer...cause the kid can't dance...that and she seems to have a pretty stellar case of ADD which is constantly putting the focus on her to "rejoin" the group. While the others are dancing their hearts out and/or listening to the teacher...she's off twirling about in her fur coat. Why do I deserve this punishment?

The recital is only a month away...it's only a month away...it's only a month away...it's only a month away...

My fitness efforts...

I did walk on the treadmill yesterday after nearly 3 weeks off. I was only able to walk a mile (a far cry from the 4 miles I had been previously capable of). My sciatic pain has been hurting for 6 weeks (as of today). Then...as if that's not enough, my left knee is hurting for no explicable reason. That is, unless I've become so senile that I no longer remember injuring myself. Just walking around hurts, but going up and down stairs is nearly impossible...so when I'm up and about...my sciatica doesn't hurt, but my knee does...but if I sit or lay down, my knee doesn't hurt, but my sciatica does. What gives here? All I wanted to do was try and lose a few LBS and get fit. I guess at this point, I am going to have to accept that I am just destined to be fat, period. Perhaps my body is just to rickety to ever become fit again. It's so discouraging when I've tried so hard (even with little progress)...I've mustered up motivation out of nothing...only to fail once again.

I mean, I could see if I was looking for the easy way out...but I haven't. I've been dedicated, committed and motivated to this...and what do I get in return?? Aches and pains. I've tried working out thru the pain and I've tried resting the hurting parts with no avail. I am going to have to make a doctor's appt later this week as I can't keep going on with this pain. I'm getting nothing done and I can't sleep. Even the Xanax aren't helping me sleep anymore. Oh...and did I mention my tail bone hurts. Why? Again...I don't know. It feels as though I fell on it...but I'm quite certain that I didn't have so many Blue Moons that I don't "remember" busting my ass! So...I'm tired of popping Advil and feeling like crap! Time for my nap...yeah, and I just know as soon as I slip into a relaxing snooze...that %*^%$ teacher is going to call...

My friends??

Or lack there of? I'm not sure. I mean, really...how many friends are "enough" friends? I'm sure by any standards...I have more friends than some, and less friends than others. To be quite honest...I've never felt the need to have "oodles and oodles" of friends. Even as a small child, groups made me a bit uneasy. I've always seemed to do better when I'm "one on one"...so thru out my life, I usually tried to steer clear of cliques and just focussed on one relationship at a time. Sort of the old "quality over quantity" thing. In fact, I even reconciled with an old high school friend (a couple years after high school). She and I were "best friends" and very close...all though, there was also a small group of friends that hung out with us, I always felt like "A" and I were best friends. That is, until I apparently did something so horrific, so hanus, so unforgivable that it required making almost my entire senior year a living hell! What could I possibly have done to fall under such unbelievable definition? I fell in love...yep...that was my crime! I fell in love with a boy named Bill when I was just a mere 16 yrs old. And although, that really wasn't a problem in and of itself...I was heartbroken and distraught after we broke up at the beginning of my senior year. Come to find out...even though I had a ring on my finger and we had plans to be married after I graduated HS...he'd been seeing someone else (we lived in different towns).

So how does this relate to being ousted and humiliated by my "so-called" best friend?? Well...I guess I just didn't "get over" my first love fast enough for her liking and my depressed demeaner was too much for her to bear. Wow...if I'd only known at the time that my prolonged heartache was such a crime...I might have been able to avoid months of harrassment by "A" and her croonies. But unfortunately...I never saw it coming. It was like something out of a "coming of age" movie...poor distraught girl, ganged up on by her fellow and former friends and classmates...only to be rescued by the popular guy...oh wait, there was no popular guy and there was no rescue. My only rescue was graduation when I knew I never had to set foot at that school again and be subjected to "A"'s unrelenting rage. I will spare all the details (none of which have ever left my mind...even at my senile age)...but suffice it to say that I had never been treated in such a cruel, heartless, or hurtful way...nor have I since. It's definitely something that will unfortunately live on in my memory...until old age or death destroys it.

So what does this have to do with anything...well, directly...nothing...but indirectly, everything. The experience left me with an extreme (and I mean extreme) sense of distrust towards people (especially women). I'm very cautious about who I befriend...and for some unknown reason...I seem to attract the most unual people IRL. Seems like mostly men...which is fine as I'm still very untrusting of women...but I am tired of feeling like as much as I give of myself...give to others...it's never enough. Somebody always wants more...and feels it's their "right" to take it. WTF?? I can think of 3 people right now (Elvis, LJ, and Kenagain) who tried to take advantage of our friendship and has left me feeling crappy...like, I don't even know. Like somehow, I'm not good enough to have earned their respect cause they always have to go and fuck it up! And truthfully, if I never saw those 3 again...I wouldn't care. Really...just 3 less leaches plugging into my energy and leaving me nothing. Then...there's DD. We are great friends (at least I thought we were)...I mean I always felt like he wasn't just a "taker"...that he equally reciprocated to the relationship. However...of late, I'm feeling very rejected by him. I've tried numerous times to get the 4 of us together (me, Nolan, he and C)...but there's always an excuse why he can't get together....Okay fine...but I'm done. I'm done being the one always putting everything together. If he (or he and C) wanna get together, they can put it together and contact me. I haven't talked to DD since Friday. He called this morning and left a message on my phone. I just couldn't bear talking to him...I wanted to, but my mood is just so bad...I honestly don't want to subject anyone to it...which is why I'm putting it all down here. I suppose I'm subjecting anyone who may be reading this to it...but they always have the option to click on that little X in the upper right corner and instantly be taken away from my seemingly unending wrath.

IDK...it's just that every time I feel like I can trust anyone or start to like them...I'm always let down. It's like every friendship is great cause I'm the one doing all the work (gee, sounds like another theme I was talking about earlier)...I mean...I don't mind contributing to any relationship as long as it's not a "one-way" street. Then there's ML...we've been friends since HS, but she lives in another state and honestly, if she moved back home...I might have to change my phone number. I know that sounds bad...and she at least does put forth and effort...but we no longer have anything in common. She's never been married, no kids and leads a lifestyle that is just not conducive to mine. I maintain the relationship mainly because it's long distance and I only have to see her once or twice a year...and with caller ID, I only have to talk to her when I feel like it. She means well...but she has said some things to me over the years that honestly, I will never forget. I just don't have the heart to completely end the relationship...so I have compromised...but she's not someone I would ever share my deepest, darkest secrets with. In fact...I can't think of anyone at this very moment that I would/could share my deepest inner thoughts...oh wait, there is one someone: Zoey! yes, my dog...I know I can tell her anything and she'll listen...she won't get angry and she won't repeat what I've told her. I guess that's why they call dogs: Man's best friend. Okay...nuff said, this rant's over!

This house?

Oh well...as promised, the rants are just lining up waiting to hit the screen! This house...let's talk about this house shall we...well, okay...I'll talk about it! Where to begin?? Oh, I know...how 'bout with this: I hate this fucking house and everything it represents!! How's that for honest?? This month marks 7 fucking years I've spent in prison...uh oh...I mean here. I say "I", because, I'm beginning to get the feeling that like most things, I am alone in this feeling. I do feel like I've been in prison for the last seven years. I never planned, wanted, much less expected to be here more than a year or two. Oh well...seven years later, here I am...still here.

This house has been on the market 3 times over the last several years...with not even an offer. Little did weary home buyers know, but I'd have accepted "any" offer. I'm not in this to make any money. For one, with the amount we owe (both first and second mortgages) coupled with the ginormous realtor fee we'd have to pay...we will be lucky to just "break even"...which at this point is all I want. I wouldn't want any profit from this house as to me it would feel like "blood" money and I don't want it. I just want out of here. In fact, so desparate am I that I have actually entertained ideas of forclosure or "Deed in lieu of forclosure"....short sale, anything and everything short of burning it to the ground. Of course, any of the above would result in an instant black mark on our coveted credit score (gag) and/or prison time. Though, I have to admit that at this very moment, a different "prison" with 3 square meals a day, clean laundry, books galore and nobody wanting to know what the speed of light thru Jell-O is...is really starting to sound pretty good.

I don't know why this house didn't sell. We had 3 separate realtors...all coming back with the same listing price...so I feel assured that our price was within comparible prices of other neighboring homes...so why? I know this is crazy, but I feel like this house is cursed some how...that maybe all those dead animals that Rod had in here before (taxidermied of course) have somehow left some bad "hootie" behind. I don't know...I don't understand it! This is a lovely home (from all outside appearances)...it has a wonderfully open floor plan...french doors galore... real hardwood floors...a beautiful brick exterior with a professional landscape job...what's not to like anyway? I hate it though...but it has nothing to do with the french doors or the wood floors...it's all that this home represents...it's all that we gave up to have it...it's every bad thing that's happened since the day we moved in here and so much, much more. I have tried many, many times to make peace with this place...to no avail. Some of the reasons we had for moving don't even exist anymore...so what's the point (I say to myself)...why can't I just be happy here...make it a home and come to terms with this being our "home"??? IDK...but I can't. It's not that I haven't tried...but this place haunts me...it's like living in a haunted house where bad spirits torment you all the time. I hate to be here, but unfortunately...I have no where to go. I try to be gone as much as possible, but some times that just isn't feasable.

What hurts me more than having to stay in this troubling house is that I feel so alone. Though he says he cares...I really don't think Nolan does care the pain that I'm in...the pain this house has caused me/us...my desparation to get out. Why...why do I think this? Well, because...he does nothing to help me....to help us....to help us get out of here. I think he feels like if he drags his heels long enough, I'll just give up and he's off the hook. That hurts me. He claims he doesn't have the time or money to do what's necessary to fix it up enought to sell...yet, when he wanted to move here...he sure found the time and money to get our old house sold. What is that saying? When it's important to him...he springs into action...but when it's important to me...I just get "put off" or told to figure it out. Everything he says is, "you figure it out", "you get it done", etc...never we will. I can't even begin to say how deeply this is hurting me and once again, feel this house is to blame for driving a wedge between us and for creating animosity between us. I have honestly considered having this house blessed as a last ditch effort...but where does any of this leave me if my own husband doesn't care and we're not on the same page. For everything I say, he has an excuse and so we can't resolve anything. We're stagnant in the water...neither moving forward nor backwards...but just standing still.

I have never, ever felt this depressed or hopeless in a house and we've owned several over the years. I think this is part of why this place is a shambles. I try to set a course of organizing/fixing/etc...but somehow, someway it just becomes derailed. Am I sabotaging my own efforts? Or, is the house? I feel somewhat hipocritical in that I'm constantly preaching to people to "go with the flow"..."have a good attitude", etc...yet I can't seem to follow my own advice. I think part of what continually beats me down is that I just can't do this alone...I need help...I need Nolan's help...but where is it??? When he needed help at work, cause the powers that be would not provide him with it...he turned to me...and though I really didn't want to, I did (something I highly regret doing now...not because of Nolan, but other reasons). I took nearly 2 yrs of my life to jump in and learn all that stuff, create relationships with everyone...why??? Because he needed me...not because I wanted to. How could I not??? And better...how can he not help me when I need him?? And what did I get out of all this??? Other than a paycheck? Well...I learned just how disposable and replacable I am...Nice huh?

Angry?? Ummmmm...that's an understatement! I have so much anger boiling in me right now...I'm afraid of myself. I want to break things...and throw things...and destroy things. I want to tear down this house brick by fucking brick with my bare hands. I want to bend every screw and every nail that's holding it together in my hands...I want to hear every window glass shatter...is that mad enough for you? I could go on and on, but I think the picture's pretty clear.

I guess if I have to do this on my own...I will figure out a way! I mean, shit...if Scarlett O'hara could figure it out...surely I can. I'll think about it tomorrow...

The speed of light thru Jell-O??

I must warn in advance that this is going to be a rant in it's finest form. OMG...what is wrong with our teachers??? I am so fucking pissed off right now I could seriously bite thru a nail. Well, apparently, the science fair is now a requirement. Seriously?? Cause not all kids (or their parents) are into "that" sort of thing. Okay fine...so what is Chase's science fair "project" (for 5th grade)?? Yes, determining the speed of light thru Jell-O! OMG...what is wrong with these teachers?? Do they not realize that (A) we send our kids to school for 8 hours a day so that "they" can teach them? Shit, if I wanted to teach my kids, I'd keep them home and home school them for Christ's sake. I mean, isn't that what "they" are getting paid to do??...(B)shouldn't the homework and assignments that "they" assign be that which is of the proper grade level and of which the student can do unassisted?? and finally (C)...that this child is not our only child and that while you go about your jolly day...life shit is happening at home and truly the last fucking thing on my mind right now is the fucking speed of light thru God damned Jell-O!!

This is really not going out to Chase's classroom teacher (Ms. M) as she has honestly been a God send this year after last year's experience which nearly broke all 3 of us (C, dh and me)...I can hardly believe now that we actually survived last year. Was it her personal mission and ego trip to send us all to the brink? Anyway, we have been pleasantly surprised by C's teacher this year. She has really tried to help. No...this rant goes out to Mrs. Kennedy. You fat, fucking piece of nothing with shit for brains. Yeah...I warned you that this was going to get ugly. I am generally a nice, reasonable person...but I seriously have no tolerance for complete idiots!

So...while C brought home some "explanation" of the "speed of light thru jello"...we have no other instructions. We do not know when this project is due. C says he needs to write a paper on it. Hmmmm...oh really?? And when might that be due, pray tell? Uh oh...you don't know that either?? Hmmmm...well, do you have to perform this "experiment" live or just do it at home and write the paper on it?? Don't know that either...Well, that...coupled with the fact that neither Nolan or I are scientists...nor do either of us have an advanced background in Trigonometry and/or optics (clearly stated on this one paper that C did bring home)...I think he's going to have to take a ZERO on the project...all because this dumb bitch doensn't fucking know how to do her job!

As I am writing this...I am currently awaiting a phone call from C's teacher. And as usual, I am given the unfortunate task of informing her that dh and I are apparently "idiots" because we cannot figure out how to do this stupid project. And teachers??? Please explain to me how children "learn" from homework or projects that they cannot do on their own?? Just how is it possible? We're not bad parents...we've put thru and graduated 3 dc into adulthood...2 of which are currently attending college. We've made midnight runs to Wal Mart to by feathers or pipecleaners for some off the wall project or report...we've wracked our brains...we've dug out old encyclopedias from storage and scanned the internet far and wide looking for information that our kids need...all the while juggling work, meals, dishes, laundry, getting P to dance on time, making sure T gets to her next game on time, sending care packages to our child who's going to college in another state, taking care of broken bones, broken dreams and everything else inbetween...but even with that, you can't cut us a break and consistantly want more and more and more from 2 parents who are already worn down to the fray of life...but do you care??? Obviously not.

With that said, I have to admit how thankful and grateful I am that my oldest two dc are very "self relient". They never needed that much "help" with school...either that, or we just had some decent teachers who understand the limits of parents just trying to make ends meet and get thru each day one day at a time...I really don't know. Chase is not self relient in any way, shape of form. Did we raise him any differently than the others??? Hell no. I don't know what the problem is....oh, I do know that there might be a problem...but insurance doesn't cover any "behavioral or learning" problems and apparently, they don't even cover the evaluation. Hmmmm....that's really interesting...because as a parent...as a human being who has a concern with their child...the natural thing to do is to seek the advice, expertise of a professional. If I knew what was wrong with my child and could subsequently treat him...why the fuck would I take him to a doctor?? Oh yeah, I forgot to add "fighting with said insurance company" to the heap of other bullshit that's been filling up my mind space leaving little room for the pondering of what the speed of light thru jello might be.

I don't know how we're going to get thru middle school. When we have 7 different teachers to contend with and a child that doesn't seem to know (or care) which way is up. Chase is such a special child...he really is. From the day he was born...I knew he was special. But, there's like this duel personality or some delayed form of maturation. He truly has a heart of gold...he's loving and caring and has an imagination most of us could only hope to have. Yet, at the same time...he's very resisitant to instruction (from me)...he errupts into rage without warning and at times, he doesn't seem to care at all that he's in jeopardy of having to repeat the 5th grade...that we're not bailing him out...that he has to feel the consequences of his actions. I'm at a loss...at my wit's end...I'm flying the white flag...I give up, you win! Okay...you win!

Okay...I feel better having got that out! I have a feeling that this is only the beginning of a series of rants to come. Right now...I'm just waiting for the teacher to call...okay, well, that's if Chase remembered to give her the note I sent, uhhhhhh....