Wow...talk about not knowing what you have til it's gone...yeah, I had it made and didn't even realize it! How's that for fucking karma?? Jesus...I sure musta been a shitty person in my last life, LOL!
Okay...the job thing. Hmmmm...where do I begin to talk about that "thorn in my side"?? It really is a bittersweet kinda thing in that I did get a few "good" things out of it like DD, a paycheck, office skills, etc...but all in all...now I'm so bitter towards the entire company that while we could use the money and couldn't ask for a more ideal working set-up...I don't think I could stomach ever working for them again! Those people...that company makes me literally ill. The crapola I put up with all in the name of help. Yeah...remember...this wasn't my brain child. I didn't just wake up one day and think...wow, I'd like to go to work for KRSC and be someone's bitch and put with loads of bullshit I can do nothing about. Nope....not at all how it happened. I think some of my issues are interwoven with other issues and this seems to be one that is interwoven into my issue with Nolan's resistance to helping me get out of this house (when I dropped everything to help him). It just seems so unfair somehow!
So now...where does this leave me? We're getting by (financially)...but I have Nolan's (meager...and I mean "meager") bonus to help fill in the gaps...but I'm having to use it very sparingly in order to make it last...but, eventually...it will run out. Then what? The thought of getting an "outside" job truly terrifies me...I mean to the point of a serious anxiety attack. I also have a conumdrum in that...while we need the money (or we will when the other money runs out) I also need the "time" it's going to take to work on the house (painting, cleaning, decluttering, etc.)...either way, something's gotta give! So, I'm trying to figure out how to get it all done by myself...I'm really not sure that I want to work (outside the home) at all. I've been home for so long now that I'm just not sure that I can "fit in" to the outside world anymore. My opinions of nouns (people, places and things) are not so politically correct these days. I think if we were out of this hell hole, I might actually enjoy being a full time homemaker, sahm or what have you. I can't and I won't enjoy it as long as I feel like I'm imprisoned here and/or that we're struggling financially...but the twist of fate here is that had we not moved here...we wouldn't be as financially (s)trapped and none of this would be an issue. Getting a job is not going to make me happy...it might lighten the fiancial load, but that's it. I like taking care of my family...though I seem to seriously suck at it lately.
I think part of what happens to me...is always feeling respnsible for filling everyone's tanks (I'm not talking about my husband and children)...but rather some on the outside that are constantly plugging into me for support, energy, laughs, etc...I willingly give of my time, attention, humor to fill others' tanks...to build them up and make them feel good. And I think most of the time without giving it a second thought. I think when my supplies run low is when I have my breakdowns....I'm tired, I'm drained and people are always wanting more, more, more from me. I think I actually get angry at myself for not being able to continually give when I'm completely empty...yet I have to fill my own tanks before I can fill anyone elses at that point. It's like right now...I'm in a funk (do ya think??)...I'm tired, I've been in pain for 6 wks, and things are beginning to get to me...I know I just need some time to re-juice and this mood will pass. I'm finding it incredibly helpful writing everything down here...like I can unleash on my keyboard instead at my loved ones. I get so fed up and angry at people...but time and time again, like a poor slob...I always go back for more (punishment)...I care when I shouldn't and I end up right here time and time again.
Did I mention I'm tired? Thank God...not only did Nolan take Paige to dance class...he's bringing home KFC and liquor! I think with the liquor, Advil and Xanax...I might feel better soon!
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