My friends??

Or lack there of? I'm not sure. I mean, really...how many friends are "enough" friends? I'm sure by any standards...I have more friends than some, and less friends than others. To be quite honest...I've never felt the need to have "oodles and oodles" of friends. Even as a small child, groups made me a bit uneasy. I've always seemed to do better when I'm "one on one"...so thru out my life, I usually tried to steer clear of cliques and just focussed on one relationship at a time. Sort of the old "quality over quantity" thing. In fact, I even reconciled with an old high school friend (a couple years after high school). She and I were "best friends" and very close...all though, there was also a small group of friends that hung out with us, I always felt like "A" and I were best friends. That is, until I apparently did something so horrific, so hanus, so unforgivable that it required making almost my entire senior year a living hell! What could I possibly have done to fall under such unbelievable definition? I fell in love...yep...that was my crime! I fell in love with a boy named Bill when I was just a mere 16 yrs old. And although, that really wasn't a problem in and of itself...I was heartbroken and distraught after we broke up at the beginning of my senior year. Come to find out...even though I had a ring on my finger and we had plans to be married after I graduated HS...he'd been seeing someone else (we lived in different towns).

So how does this relate to being ousted and humiliated by my "so-called" best friend?? Well...I guess I just didn't "get over" my first love fast enough for her liking and my depressed demeaner was too much for her to bear. Wow...if I'd only known at the time that my prolonged heartache was such a crime...I might have been able to avoid months of harrassment by "A" and her croonies. But unfortunately...I never saw it coming. It was like something out of a "coming of age" movie...poor distraught girl, ganged up on by her fellow and former friends and classmates...only to be rescued by the popular guy...oh wait, there was no popular guy and there was no rescue. My only rescue was graduation when I knew I never had to set foot at that school again and be subjected to "A"'s unrelenting rage. I will spare all the details (none of which have ever left my mind...even at my senile age)...but suffice it to say that I had never been treated in such a cruel, heartless, or hurtful way...nor have I since. It's definitely something that will unfortunately live on in my memory...until old age or death destroys it.

So what does this have to do with anything...well, directly...nothing...but indirectly, everything. The experience left me with an extreme (and I mean extreme) sense of distrust towards people (especially women). I'm very cautious about who I befriend...and for some unknown reason...I seem to attract the most unual people IRL. Seems like mostly men...which is fine as I'm still very untrusting of women...but I am tired of feeling like as much as I give of myself...give to others...it's never enough. Somebody always wants more...and feels it's their "right" to take it. WTF?? I can think of 3 people right now (Elvis, LJ, and Kenagain) who tried to take advantage of our friendship and has left me feeling crappy...like, I don't even know. Like somehow, I'm not good enough to have earned their respect cause they always have to go and fuck it up! And truthfully, if I never saw those 3 again...I wouldn't care. Really...just 3 less leaches plugging into my energy and leaving me nothing. Then...there's DD. We are great friends (at least I thought we were)...I mean I always felt like he wasn't just a "taker"...that he equally reciprocated to the relationship. However...of late, I'm feeling very rejected by him. I've tried numerous times to get the 4 of us together (me, Nolan, he and C)...but there's always an excuse why he can't get together....Okay fine...but I'm done. I'm done being the one always putting everything together. If he (or he and C) wanna get together, they can put it together and contact me. I haven't talked to DD since Friday. He called this morning and left a message on my phone. I just couldn't bear talking to him...I wanted to, but my mood is just so bad...I honestly don't want to subject anyone to it...which is why I'm putting it all down here. I suppose I'm subjecting anyone who may be reading this to it...but they always have the option to click on that little X in the upper right corner and instantly be taken away from my seemingly unending wrath.

IDK...it's just that every time I feel like I can trust anyone or start to like them...I'm always let down. It's like every friendship is great cause I'm the one doing all the work (gee, sounds like another theme I was talking about earlier)...I mean...I don't mind contributing to any relationship as long as it's not a "one-way" street. Then there's ML...we've been friends since HS, but she lives in another state and honestly, if she moved back home...I might have to change my phone number. I know that sounds bad...and she at least does put forth and effort...but we no longer have anything in common. She's never been married, no kids and leads a lifestyle that is just not conducive to mine. I maintain the relationship mainly because it's long distance and I only have to see her once or twice a year...and with caller ID, I only have to talk to her when I feel like it. She means well...but she has said some things to me over the years that honestly, I will never forget. I just don't have the heart to completely end the relationship...so I have compromised...but she's not someone I would ever share my deepest, darkest secrets with. In fact...I can't think of anyone at this very moment that I would/could share my deepest inner thoughts...oh wait, there is one someone: Zoey! yes, my dog...I know I can tell her anything and she'll listen...she won't get angry and she won't repeat what I've told her. I guess that's why they call dogs: Man's best friend. Okay...nuff said, this rant's over!