OMG...my anger is completely out of control. I had an interesting conversation with OS a few weeks ago. He called in the late night hours (that in itself gave me a shot of adrenalin hardy enough to revive a corpse)...that coupled with a crying voice on the other end about sent me straight to the nut house right then and there. As much as I like to think of myself as a strong individual...I'm not and I even suck worse during a crisis. Well, after getting my heart out of my throat...I was stunned at what I heard on the other end. The words I heard truly broke my heart of hearts. Made me question myself and my responsibility...and where do you go from there? How can I fix this? This has been eating at me for weeks now...I think there could be some kind of genetic factor as I seem to have the same problem as OS. I know exactly how he feels...it's a vicious fucking circle. Rage/anger builds (seemingly over stupid shit sometimes)...half the time, I don't even know even know why I'm mad. Kinda like now...everything that is pissing my shit off isn't necessarily off today's menu...but rather a compilation of shit over time...some of it days...some of it weeks or months and other issues like my weight and the house have been ongoing for years. I think I have a way of mentally sweeping things under the carpet...which temporarily makes it "okay"...I mean, outta sight...outta mind right? Well, I guess it does work for a while...but like a festering splinter, it eventually works it's way back to the surface again...which comes out in a fury.
Anyway...I was talking about the vicious cycle...oh wait, make that the fucking, vicious cycle: anger festers...rage builds...explosion occurs...the wrath is shown with no regard for anyone's feelings, because at the height of rage, there is no reasoning. Hell, even in my own mind tries to tell me to "chill" and I'm like, "fuck you" I'm pissed off and I'm enjoying breaking things and you're not going to stop me!! Yeah...some serious shit...but when the dust settles...reasoning and compassion return, all that's left in it's wake is hurt and regret. I've hurt...now I regret! I feel terrible...horrible...as bad as a human being can feel. I don't want to hurt the ones I love...God...they're the last people in the fucking world that I want to hurt...yet, it seems they're always the receiver of my wrath and hurt. Now...back to the cycle...so having hurt the one(s) you love...great remorse, regret and dispair sets in. Then...feeling like the lowest scumbag in the world...depression hits and I begin to feel like a worthless piece of shit which makes me start analyzing all that created this problem in the first place. I sweep the thoughts under the rug...and thus, the cycle begins again. Now, it may be a day til it cycles thru again...could be a month or more...I just never know.
So now the question is...how do I fix this?? Well...I've tried fixing this before see...about 5 yrs ago is when I first tried Lexapro. It was mainly given to me as an anti-anxiety med...but I found that it had an interesting "side-effect". I found that all the little things and even the big ones...just didn't "bother" me...in fact, nothing bothered me. At the time, it was like I was on an extended mental vaca (not like the 2 hour one like after drinking 4 martinis). It was actually really nice to give my mind a "rest"...all the worries...all the cares...all the problems...all the everything just didn't seem to phase me. At first it was really great. It was like I was seeing the world in a new and different light for the first time. I even thought, wow...the glass is half full! Well...it all sounds fine and dandy...but my little mental vaca nearly cost me my marriage. I like to refer to that time as "the year of the pill". It's hard to imagine how one tiny, little, innocent pill could wreak such havoc in one's life...but it did. One other strange side effect was that I didn't seem to have any "impulse" control and did a few things that I'm sincerely not proud of and that I highly regret. Well, but there's no going back on that now. So in essence...I cured one problem...but created another (something extremely common with today's medications). Anyway...while I wasn't feeling the "bad" stuff in life...I also wasn't feeling the good...in fact, as I recall...I didn't really "feel" anything. It was like on a feeling scale...I was just "neutral" in all respects. And while the mental/emotional break was kinda nice/good...I simply can't function without my feelings (good, bad or indifferent)...but how can I function when one of my feelings is so outta whack?
How do I function when anger and rage are always simmering under the surface ready to explode at the slightest nudge?
Like the other prisons in my life...it's yet another dilema that I can't or haven't figured out how to solve. I'm trapped in this house...I'm trapped in my fat body and I'm also a ticking time bomb never knowing when it might go off or what might set it off. Oh and while my rant is still good and hot...I just want to say that I think all these CEOs who stole and got rich off of our hard work...should be tortured, hung and quartered and then left to die a slow agonizing death (wow, I can't believe I just said that). Every time I turn on the news or open the newspaper...I'm infuriated. How do these people sleep at night??? Well, probably in the finest hotels no doubt! It's sickening...we've lost so much money over the last year...I'm not sure we'll have any retirement left if the day comes when Nolan CAN retire. It's no longer a matter of WHEN he wants to retire...but IF he CAN at all. Okay...well, I'll save my CEO stealing, gov't intruding, welfare frauding post for another time. Onto one of my favorite topics: work!!
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