Thanks to a dear friend...I believe I've figured out exactly what's missing in my life. I really thought that losing my job was what's had me spiraling down into the dark, lonely abyss. But it's not the job really...it was the "purpose" that I felt doing "that" job. Suddenly, everything is so clear. I know I had been struggling since turning 40...knowing that I wasn't "planning" anymore dear children. Being a wife and mother is the only "purpose" I had ever known...and while technically, I am still a wife and mother...I am not needed in the same way anymore. When I surprisingly turned up pg at 40 1/2...I believed my "purpose" had been renewed (one more time)...like getting your driver's license renewed every 4 yrs. I felt that there had been divine intervention on my behalf...and just when I began to wrap my mind around it...to embrace it with my whole heart and soul...it was over at 12 weeks...4 days. On 05-04-05, my life changed forever as during my D&C...I made the decision to have the tubal ligation...the potential for any further "purpose" ended that day. Yes, it was my decision...no one held a gun to my head...I signed on the dotted line...but little did I know the monumental, life altering storm that was about to follow. I don't think it's possible for a doctor to even scratch the surface of tyring to prepare one for this. I remember sitting there in my doctor's personal office (outside the exam room) following one last u/s to confirm m/c...and Nolan was with me. I was insisting on the TL cause I couldn't fathom the idea of going thru another pg (planned or unplanned) and possibly experiencing that heartache again. I vaguely remember Nolan and Dr. Meeuwsen trying to talk me out of it...but hey, I was 40 yrs. old, had 4 kids already...shouldn't be a big deal. Well, I don't think anyone could have prepared me for what I was going to feel...and still do, though the seering pain (emotional) that I once felt...is really only a dull ache now.
For a year or so after that...I felt like I was walking around in a fog. My physical wounds healed...but I was definitely just "going thru the motions" of life. I felt like a drifter in my own house...not sure where I belonged...starting one project after another...only to not finish anything I started. I guess it was about that time that Nolan asked me to help him with the Atmos work. I honestly didn't want to do it...but we needed the extra income and I guess at the time, that was reason enough. Little did I know back then...that somehow, somewhere along the way...I would once again feel "purpose"...nothing like creating my home and family (that's top shelf)...but I started from complete "scratch"...I know some computer basics...but never ran (much less created) an office "system" before. I guess it was somewhat satisfying to create something from nothing. Nolan said he "needed" me...and I know doing his "clerk work" was a big help to him and to Tim too. I felt needed. Even though I don't think the office fully understood all that I did...I could really handle it (the people in the office)...except Pam. I cannot believe what a true 2-face she really is. Okay, she's a Bitch with a capitol B. I thought I got along pretty good with everyone...but of all the people in the office...Pam seemed to go out of her way to make me feel like shit. I never did anything to her except try and make her freakin' job easier. Before I came to work...I "thought" we were friends...OMG, she is the last person in the world that I would have thought would treat me that way. If there's any silver lining and/or good thing that has come from my lay off...it's that I no longer have to kiss Pam's ass...and at this point, I'm hoping that I can keep my drinking under control at the office Christmas party next month...so that I can control my "loose lips". For some strange reason, when I drink...I am 100% honest. That could be a good or bad thing depending on the situation (and people involved). I am going to "try" and be good...I don't want to burn my bridges perse. At this point, I am not "expecting" to go back to work there...but if there was the opportunity to do so, I would consider it if the upper management (and not Nolan) offered me my job back...depending on what else is going on...but at any extent...I don't want to burn "all" my bridges...insulting her, certainly isn't worth that. I just need to be patient...sit back and watch KARMA do it's thing (what goes around, comes around)...I have seen it in action too many times to deny that it works.
Oops...I got off track here. Okay, before I was so rudely interrupted by "thoughts about Pam"...I was discussing my "purpose" or lack thereof. So yeah, maybe it's not the job that I'm missing so much...but the purpose that it seemed to have given me. I felt good about contributing financially and helping us out of debt...It felt good to have my own paycheck after 14 yrs. (though Nolan generously hands over a huge chunk of his check as my household allowance) it still made me feel good about it. Nolan and Tim both...just went on and on how they couldn't do this without me. I admit, that really made me feel good...I was helping someone out...making their job, their life a little easier. Yeah, it's not rocket science or brain surgery, but I guess it made me feel better than I had realized (or appreciated). The old: don't know what you've got, til it's gone!! Okay, I think that was a song back in the eighties (Cinderella??)...but still, I think I'm beginning to understand what I'm feeling. The problem is...I don't know how to fix it. I'm not sure if the job gave me purpose or purpose gave me a job. I don't know where to find it (purpose) in my life. I don't even know where to begin...
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