Back on track (no pun intended LOL)...

Okay...well after a much need exercise hiatus, I am back at it today! After fighting a cold most of all of last week, I was only able to work out 1 day. Between that and my psychotic nerve acting up (in my right hip), I just needed to rest (which I did). My cold is almost completely gone, but my hip is still hurting. It's better, but not completely good yet. Anyway, I'm back to the 3 miles daily plus strength training and functional exercises every other day with my Sunday's off. It was a nice little rest, but I'm glad to be back on track!!

Pops' 77th Birthday Bash...

Well...March 13th was Dad's birthday, but we all took him out for his birthday on March 14th. We all met at Park East Restaurant at 6 pm. Started the evening out with cocktails. I have to say, I was not having a good day when I first got to the restaurant. Here's what happened. My sister and her dh came from Boulder and left my nephew at our house. Taylor was suppose to babysit...however, she had gone to Erica's house and then on to tennis practice around 1 pm. Around 5 pm, I began texting her that it was time to come home...but I got no response. Calls and texts went unanswered (which is so unlike Taylor...infact, when her battery dies, she usually will call me from someone else's phone to let me know in case I need to get ahold of her). By about 5:45 pm, Peg & Keith headed over to the restaurant while Nolan was out looking for Taylor. He went to Erica's and no one was home. He checked the tennis courts...the high school, etc...no Taylor. He came back around 6 pm at which time I left to go to the restaurant (I was already late at this point so I was upset and very angry with Taylor as she knew she was suppose to babysit). Nolan was calling me periodically with updates. He got the girl next door to come stay with the kids so he could look for Taylor. As I was driving to the restaurant, my blood was absolutely boiling...but as time ticked on and we couldn't locate Taylor, my anger turned to fear...complete and utter fear. Taylor is just such a responsible young lady that this was just not like her and soon I was a wreck. On the drive to the restaurant, I was really beside myself. I was trying not to cry and I didn't want to ruin Dad's party. When I got to Park East...I had a martini to calm my nerves. After about 20 minutes, Nolan called and he finally got a hold of Taylor. I guess Erica's mom had taken them to the movies and she said she just lost track of time and also she had left her phone in the car. As angry as I had been...I was so relieved that she was okay...I could not be mad at her, LOL!

Anyway...Nolan was then able to join us and strangely enough, he showed up right when they began taking our orders.

Okay...so, I don't know where Broken Angel was (the duo that usually performs/sings), but instead there was a guy (aka Tiny Tim LOL) who played the piano, guitar and sang. He was actually really good and had a great variety of music. We did "Happy Birthday" to dad (which the whole place sang along) and Peg and I gave dad the picture we did of us (also known as Mutt & Jeff...which Dad so lovingly refers to us LOL)! Anyway, there's nothing more dad loves than to have us all together. So, here's a few pics from that night:


Dad & Kay...


Me & Nolan...


Me & Pops...


Me & my BIL Keith...



Me & my brother Kenny...


Me & my brother Mike...


Me & "Tiny Tim"...


More photos of everyone...











Me & Sis (aka: Mutt & Jeff)

Anyway...it was a great night...Dad loved it!

Wednesday Weigh-In...

Urrrgggg...I don't know why I'm even posting this today as I'm not very happy. Needless to say...my weigh in this morning didn't go so great. I'm up again (almost 2 pounds)...I just don't get it! I have missed a few days this past week with my cold, but sheesh...I just don't understand how I can be working so hard, yet the scale not budging. I understand that in the beginning (first 6 weeks or so), there may be little change in the scale and also that fat is being replaced with muscle, but come on...I might have added some muscle but shouldn't I have dropped at least 5 pounds in 10 weeks? I am just so frustrated right now. Today's the first day that I've felt like I could get back on the treadmill since Saturday...but I feel so defeated, like what's the point? I can't deny that I've lost inches...but I want to see the scale go down...I'm tired of being fat! I know I'll never be "skinny", but I would like to be at least average. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm working out for an hour and a half, six days a week (minus the few days I took off when I was sick). I feel like every week is a joke...one week, I'm down a pound, next week I'm up 2 pounds, another week I'm down a pound and a half, then up a pound...it's like some kinda cruel mind game. I'm trying to keep a good attitude in that regardless of what the scale does, I'm getting fit...but I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't important to "lose" weight as well. Obviously, I didn't start this program to just be "fit"...I wanted to drop some of those unwanted pounds. The only thing I can think of to do is to start working out twice a day...but my God...how long will I be able to keep that up? I know I could do it for a while, but for how long?

I know the scale is not the only tool for measuring progress/success. I often wonder if I should just abolish the scale all together as it seems to just discourage and un-motivate me. Maybe just monthly weigh-ins would be better, IDK...I've removed my weight loss tracker as it's doing little more than pissing me off everytime I see it!

What I do know is that I need to get off the computer...put on my workout clothes...and go downstairs and get on that darn treadmill. Strangely enough, the treadmill has become what I feel my fitness journey has become...walking miles and miles, but not really getting anywhere. Okay...enough of my pity-party, I'm off to walk!

Thank God for Nyquil...

That's all I can say, LOL!! But seriously...I love my Nyquil!! I did finally get some sleep last night and feel a little better this morning. I'm still taking it easy...but I hope to get back to my walking tomorrow. I did drag myself to Walmart yesterday morning (for more Nyquil, LOL) and it cost me $200. This is when Nolan comes in really handy. I can send him to Walmart to get Nyquil and he gets the Nyquil then leaves. Me?? Well...I get the Nyquil then remember that we need milk, bread, half & half, etc...next thing I know, I've spent $200. I did get the ingredients for homemade Chicken Soup...which I made yesterday and can hardly wait for lunch leftovers. I did get a couple loads of laundry done, but I really need to do a couple more today. I also need to balance my checkbook and empty the dishwasher...then I can have a nap, LOL! Nolan is still in Denver, but should be home tonight...and Paige has dance at 5:30 tonight so I AM going to have to get out of my pjs at some point today, LOL!

I've got Nolan's cold...

Urrrrrggggg...well, I thought I was just getting an allergy attack...but no, I'm pretty certain that now I have Nolan's cold (that he's been sportin' the last couple weeks). So...needless to say, I had to cancel our trip to Boulder today and have been in bed all day. My head is sooooo plugged, waaaaaa...the only good thing is that so far, everything I'm able to blow out is clear. I definitely don't want to end up with another sinus infection. This has been a miserable winter...I think part of the problem is that it has been unseasonably warm. We've had no precipitation and high temps have been in the 50s, 60s and even 70 all thru February and now in March. What we need is a good cold snap (with rain or snow) to put all these viruses out of comission. I didn't work out yesterday or today (Sunday's my normal REST day)...so I'm hoping that tomorrow I'll feel well enough to at least walk a couple miles.

Marylu called this morning. We had a good long talk (like 3 hours). She called and left a message around Taylor's bday, but I just haven't had time to call her back...so I'm glad we got a chance to catch up, especially since I was just laying around in bed anyway.

Uhhhh....I just don't have time to be sick again! Well...off to have some hot cider, mmmmm!

Four years ago today...

I found out we had a little surprise on the way. Though that year (2005), the 7th was on a Monday. We had been to Boulder for my nephew's birthday that previous weekend and I was, ummmmmm....a bit grouchy (okay, bitchy). I just figured it was because Aunt Martha was due and I had a bad case of PMA (Pre Menstrual Attitude). As I had learned over the years...the surest way to bring it on is to do a HPT. It's almost like magic...as soon as you see that BFN, you start almost instantaneously, LOL.



So...imagine my surprise when I took the test and immediately I saw a "second line". I knew this had to be wrong cause we weren't "trying" to have a baby and had never had an "oops"! I called Nolan with the "news" and said I was going in to see Dr. M that afternoon because this has to be a mistake...a faulty test. So, with Nolan in tow...we headed off to see Dr. M to confirm what I couldn't believe. And, yes...he did confirm that the test was correct. Shock, honestly, doesn't really even begin to describe what all I was feeling at that moment. Here I was 40 yrs old and finally resolved in feeling "done & complete" and now this. Why???? I believed that God had a really strange sense of humor. Here Nolan and I had had the "vasectomy" discussion many times thru out the years. And while it used to really upset me when he would say the "V" word...I had finally gotten to the point (at 40 yrs. old) that I finally felt done...however, at the time, Nolan was going thru a serious problem with his right eye (which required numerous laser treatment, injections and two surgeries)...so needless to say, even though the "V" was in the plan, it had taken a back seat to the eye problem and so I wasn't pushing it.

The strange irony of this was that the night before I took the HPT, Nolan and I had a huge fight about him getting the "V" and when he would get it. I was extremely worried that after taking years of coming to terms with being done, a surprise pg would set me back to square one...and I was scared of having to start the process all over again. On the other hand...Nolan's stance was that he "...wasn't worried about it..." (that is, of having an oops)...anyway, it was not a pretty fight...in fact, it got pretty ugly. I never imagined in a million years that I was actually pg. I was so upset that night, I took 2 Xanax and had a glass of wine (which I would later feel tremendous guilt about), obviously it was before I knew I was pg. Had I even had one inkling that I was pg, I never would have drank wine or taken the Xanax. Whether or not that night had anything to do with ultimate outcome (m/c) I will never know...but I will always be bothered by it.

Okay...so after visiting my doctor (who no longer does obstetrics), I was referred again to his partner (same doctor that delivered Paige). My first OB appt. was set for April 1st...which I thought was appropriate since this whole thing seemed like an April Fools joke. Other than Jimmy, all my other pgs (including losses) were planned, very planned. I was really having a hard time wrapping my mind around the whole thing. I walked around like a zombie for the first few weeks. Nolan said we had to sell the house, so we promptly got it on the market.

During the 3 weeks between finding out about the pg and my first OB appt...things were not so great. Although Nolan had just claimed that he wasn't worried about (a possible pg) and that he'd be fine with it...He wasn't. He became even more withdrawn than he usually is and I felt really alone and shut out. So much for being fine with things. It was so bad that when my appt day came, I went alone. I really didn't want him there. I was happy...I began to realize that God had given me one more chance to experience the wonders of pg and a final little caboose for our family. I thought, wow...I'm gonna have my #5 in 2005...I was 21 when I had my first, and I'd be 41 (or close to it) when I have my last...and just overall, I just began to really fall in love with this baby I never imagined having. I was so sad that I was having my u/s and Nolan wasn't there. There on the u/s was my little "turkey"...his little heart just beating away...you'd have thought this was the first time I'd ever seen such a sight...I was blown away with emotions. I then sat with Dr. T and she went over everything with me...she gave me bag of "mom to be" goodies along with all the paperwork. My EDD was Nov. 12, 2005 (my bday is on the 19th, so it was possible I could have been getting a baby for my 41st bday).



Nolan called after my appt. and wanted to meet for lunch. We met at Magpies and he just kept telling me he was so sorry that he had been upset and distant...that we were having a baby and he was happy...and he was. I could see it in his eyes...I could feel it in my heart. We were happy.

As April went by, I was getting sicker and sicker with morning sickness. It was just 24 hour a day nausea. I was also on progesterone pills (which I started taking immediately after my initial doctor visit). After putting the house back on the market...we began looking for a lot. We found a lot further out west in acreage and quickly bought it with the idea of building a new home that would fit all of us. We found a model home that was perfect (which we still love and will build one day) and began making plans for our move and newest addition. I had another OB appt set up for April 29th (which was a Friday). The day before that, I noticed a tiny streak of blood when I wiped. I wasn't that concerned cause I know the cervix can be irritated by bd and I just figured that's what it was. So at my appt I mentioned this to the doctor and she wanted to do a quick u/s just to make sure everything was okay. I was not prepared for this moment. Though I couldn't see the screen, I knew something was wrong by Dr. T's face...and that she wasn't saying anything at first. After a couple minutes...she just said she was sorry. I should have been just over 12 weeks along, but it appeared the baby had died around 8 1/2 weeks...so just shortly after my first u/s. She then left Nolan and I alone in the u/s room where I wept and wept and wept.

Because we had had a difficult year (in 2004), I had prayed so hard for something, anything to bring Nolan and I closer together...and when I discovered this little surprise pg...I was just certain that God had answered my prayers...so why...why would he do that, only to pull the rug out from under me...I didn't understand it. During my weeping...Nolan was holding me and said that we could "try" to have another baby...but I knew he was only saying this to console me. I mean, heck...he was willing to accept this baby that was already on the way...but at almost 51 yrs old, I'm certain he didn't want to actively "try" to have another baby. After sitting down with Dr. T...she wanted to wait and see what my body would do "naturally"...but I did not want to go thru this. I insisted on seeing my own doctor. We sat down with Dr. M and the soonest he could get me in for the D&C was on Monday (05-04-05). I was beside myself at this point...I wanted this over...I wanted the baby out. At that time, I also just felt like I could never go thru this again (planned or unplanned) and said to go ahead and do the tubal while I was under anesthesia for the D&C. Both Nolan and Dr. M tried to talk me out of doing the tubal...but I was not listening.

During the weekend, the spotting began to pick up and by Sunday night the bleeding was becoming alarming. I felt like I was in labor...the cramping was unreal. I had never gone thru this as with my other m/cs...I always had the D&C immediately (within a day). I will never forget that night as long as I live. The worst began around midnight and for the next few hours...I passed these huge clots (I'm sure one of which might have been the baby...but I was to afraid to look at it closely). We were to be at the hospital at 5:30 am...and of course, I was up almost all night. To this day, I still cannot watch The X Files as there was some kind of X files marathon on that night.

We arrived at the hospital as planned and I was soon checked in. Strangely enough, the nurse who was taking care of me asked me what my maiden name was...and come to find out, she was the dd of my mom's best friend Jackie. It was a comfort to have her as my nurse. I almost felt like my mom "arranged" this to ease my fear and axiety. I remember Dr. M coming in to talk to me before the surgery and he again asked if I was sure I wanted to do the tubal...which I was (or so I thought I was).

I remember waking up from the surgery and the nurse in the recovery room giving me a shot of Morphine. I was sort of in and out of sleep...then I was taken back to the same day surgery area that I started in. Everything felt so surreal. I kept thinking, OMG, what have I done?

I remember spending that Mother's Day in bed. Jimmy had brought me roses and I kept watching "Kate & Leopold" and "Someone Like You" on DVD...over and over and over. Nolan brought me some kind of turkey sandwich from Village Inn and a Dr. Pepper. That's all I really remember of the weeks just after my m/c and surgery. However...the next few months were going to challenge my faith in ways I could never have imagined. After losing my baby (and fertility) in May...I found out in June that my Pops had hooked up with an old school mate. I was devistated...not that he had found someone, but that it had taken me years to develop the relationship with my Dad (after my mom had died) and now I couldn't even have a private conversation with him on the phone. Then in August, Jimmy left me as well. He moved to Virginia to be with his girlfriend. My heart could really not handle any more "loss" at that point. That September...I started taking Paige to Trinity Lutheran...it wasn't preschool (per se), but I just put her in the daycare program for a couple hours each day as she was 4 yrs. old and needed some outside socialization...and at the time, I just couldn't find a preschool that I felt comfortable with. During those hours that Paige was gone, I was a basket case. I had never been alone...ever. I always had a baby or toddler at home for the last 18 yrs (at that point) and I didn't know what to do with myself.

The next year was really a blur to me. It was the following March that I met Zen...and that experience really changed my life. I was still very troubled and later that year is when I met Dr. Fisher (psychologist phD)...I saw Dr. Fisher for about a year and a half. During that time...I worked out a lot of my "issues". It's also the time that I discovered to amazing authors and books (Conversations with God and You Have Chosen to Remember). I read and I read and I read...I found great comfort in the words I was reading...I also found great comfort in Nolan. I realized that we were closer than ever. I began to see everything that had happened for a reason. It's like my eyes were opened and I began to see things differently and I began to come to terms with all my losses and that my life wasn't over...but just beginning.

So...while this day is one I will remember forever...I will remember it with joy and happiness of a wonderful gift I was given...even if it was for such a short time...that baby made a huge impact on my life and for that, I am truly grateful for God's grace...

On to Week 9...

Hard to believe that another month has already gone by and I'm on week 9 now (YIP PEE)!! Oy...but the aches and pains, LOL...right now I'm nursing some sciatica in my right hip, but the show must go on, LOL!! I've a slight adjustment going into March and that is I'm cutting down my walking to 3 miles per day and adding in some weights and functional exercises (each 3 times a week on alternate days). So, I'm still at about 1 1/2 hrs per day...but we'll see what the weights do...the functional exercises are more just for toning. Anyway...hopefully this darn hip pain will subside soon!