So...imagine my surprise when I took the test and immediately I saw a "second line". I knew this had to be wrong cause we weren't "trying" to have a baby and had never had an "oops"! I called Nolan with the "news" and said I was going in to see Dr. M that afternoon because this has to be a mistake...a faulty test. So, with Nolan in tow...we headed off to see Dr. M to confirm what I couldn't believe. And, yes...he did confirm that the test was correct. Shock, honestly, doesn't really even begin to describe what all I was feeling at that moment. Here I was 40 yrs old and finally resolved in feeling "done & complete" and now this. Why???? I believed that God had a really strange sense of humor. Here Nolan and I had had the "vasectomy" discussion many times thru out the years. And while it used to really upset me when he would say the "V" word...I had finally gotten to the point (at 40 yrs. old) that I finally felt done...however, at the time, Nolan was going thru a serious problem with his right eye (which required numerous laser treatment, injections and two surgeries)...so needless to say, even though the "V" was in the plan, it had taken a back seat to the eye problem and so I wasn't pushing it.
The strange irony of this was that the night before I took the HPT, Nolan and I had a huge fight about him getting the "V" and when he would get it. I was extremely worried that after taking years of coming to terms with being done, a surprise pg would set me back to square one...and I was scared of having to start the process all over again. On the other hand...Nolan's stance was that he "...wasn't worried about it..." (that is, of having an oops)...anyway, it was not a pretty fight...in fact, it got pretty ugly. I never imagined in a million years that I was actually pg. I was so upset that night, I took 2 Xanax and had a glass of wine (which I would later feel tremendous guilt about), obviously it was before I knew I was pg. Had I even had one inkling that I was pg, I never would have drank wine or taken the Xanax. Whether or not that night had anything to do with ultimate outcome (m/c) I will never know...but I will always be bothered by it.
Okay...so after visiting my doctor (who no longer does obstetrics), I was referred again to his partner (same doctor that delivered Paige). My first OB appt. was set for April 1st...which I thought was appropriate since this whole thing seemed like an April Fools joke. Other than Jimmy, all my other pgs (including losses) were planned, very planned. I was really having a hard time wrapping my mind around the whole thing. I walked around like a zombie for the first few weeks. Nolan said we had to sell the house, so we promptly got it on the market.
During the 3 weeks between finding out about the pg and my first OB appt...things were not so great. Although Nolan had just claimed that he wasn't worried about (a possible pg) and that he'd be fine with it...He wasn't. He became even more withdrawn than he usually is and I felt really alone and shut out. So much for being fine with things. It was so bad that when my appt day came, I went alone. I really didn't want him there. I was happy...I began to realize that God had given me one more chance to experience the wonders of pg and a final little caboose for our family. I thought, wow...I'm gonna have my #5 in 2005...I was 21 when I had my first, and I'd be 41 (or close to it) when I have my last...and just overall, I just began to really fall in love with this baby I never imagined having. I was so sad that I was having my u/s and Nolan wasn't there. There on the u/s was my little "turkey"...his little heart just beating away...you'd have thought this was the first time I'd ever seen such a sight...I was blown away with emotions. I then sat with Dr. T and she went over everything with me...she gave me bag of "mom to be" goodies along with all the paperwork. My EDD was Nov. 12, 2005 (my bday is on the 19th, so it was possible I could have been getting a baby for my 41st bday).
Nolan called after my appt. and wanted to meet for lunch. We met at Magpies and he just kept telling me he was so sorry that he had been upset and distant...that we were having a baby and he was happy...and he was. I could see it in his eyes...I could feel it in my heart. We were happy.
As April went by, I was getting sicker and sicker with morning sickness. It was just 24 hour a day nausea. I was also on progesterone pills (which I started taking immediately after my initial doctor visit). After putting the house back on the market...we began looking for a lot. We found a lot further out west in acreage and quickly bought it with the idea of building a new home that would fit all of us. We found a model home that was perfect (which we still love and will build one day) and began making plans for our move and newest addition. I had another OB appt set up for April 29th (which was a Friday). The day before that, I noticed a tiny streak of blood when I wiped. I wasn't that concerned cause I know the cervix can be irritated by bd and I just figured that's what it was. So at my appt I mentioned this to the doctor and she wanted to do a quick u/s just to make sure everything was okay. I was not prepared for this moment. Though I couldn't see the screen, I knew something was wrong by Dr. T's face...and that she wasn't saying anything at first. After a couple minutes...she just said she was sorry. I should have been just over 12 weeks along, but it appeared the baby had died around 8 1/2 weeks...so just shortly after my first u/s. She then left Nolan and I alone in the u/s room where I wept and wept and wept.
Because we had had a difficult year (in 2004), I had prayed so hard for something, anything to bring Nolan and I closer together...and when I discovered this little surprise pg...I was just certain that God had answered my prayers...so why...why would he do that, only to pull the rug out from under me...I didn't understand it. During my weeping...Nolan was holding me and said that we could "try" to have another baby...but I knew he was only saying this to console me. I mean, heck...he was willing to accept this baby that was already on the way...but at almost 51 yrs old, I'm certain he didn't want to actively "try" to have another baby. After sitting down with Dr. T...she wanted to wait and see what my body would do "naturally"...but I did not want to go thru this. I insisted on seeing my own doctor. We sat down with Dr. M and the soonest he could get me in for the D&C was on Monday (05-04-05). I was beside myself at this point...I wanted this over...I wanted the baby out. At that time, I also just felt like I could never go thru this again (planned or unplanned) and said to go ahead and do the tubal while I was under anesthesia for the D&C. Both Nolan and Dr. M tried to talk me out of doing the tubal...but I was not listening.
During the weekend, the spotting began to pick up and by Sunday night the bleeding was becoming alarming. I felt like I was in labor...the cramping was unreal. I had never gone thru this as with my other m/cs...I always had the D&C immediately (within a day). I will never forget that night as long as I live. The worst began around midnight and for the next few hours...I passed these huge clots (I'm sure one of which might have been the baby...but I was to afraid to look at it closely). We were to be at the hospital at 5:30 am...and of course, I was up almost all night. To this day, I still cannot watch The X Files as there was some kind of X files marathon on that night.
We arrived at the hospital as planned and I was soon checked in. Strangely enough, the nurse who was taking care of me asked me what my maiden name was...and come to find out, she was the dd of my mom's best friend Jackie. It was a comfort to have her as my nurse. I almost felt like my mom "arranged" this to ease my fear and axiety. I remember Dr. M coming in to talk to me before the surgery and he again asked if I was sure I wanted to do the tubal...which I was (or so I thought I was).
I remember waking up from the surgery and the nurse in the recovery room giving me a shot of Morphine. I was sort of in and out of sleep...then I was taken back to the same day surgery area that I started in. Everything felt so surreal. I kept thinking, OMG, what have I done?
I remember spending that Mother's Day in bed. Jimmy had brought me roses and I kept watching "Kate & Leopold" and "Someone Like You" on DVD...over and over and over. Nolan brought me some kind of turkey sandwich from Village Inn and a Dr. Pepper. That's all I really remember of the weeks just after my m/c and surgery. However...the next few months were going to challenge my faith in ways I could never have imagined. After losing my baby (and fertility) in May...I found out in June that my Pops had hooked up with an old school mate. I was devistated...not that he had found someone, but that it had taken me years to develop the relationship with my Dad (after my mom had died) and now I couldn't even have a private conversation with him on the phone. Then in August, Jimmy left me as well. He moved to Virginia to be with his girlfriend. My heart could really not handle any more "loss" at that point. That September...I started taking Paige to Trinity Lutheran...it wasn't preschool (per se), but I just put her in the daycare program for a couple hours each day as she was 4 yrs. old and needed some outside socialization...and at the time, I just couldn't find a preschool that I felt comfortable with. During those hours that Paige was gone, I was a basket case. I had never been alone...ever. I always had a baby or toddler at home for the last 18 yrs (at that point) and I didn't know what to do with myself.
The next year was really a blur to me. It was the following March that I met Zen...and that experience really changed my life. I was still very troubled and later that year is when I met Dr. Fisher (psychologist phD)...I saw Dr. Fisher for about a year and a half. During that time...I worked out a lot of my "issues". It's also the time that I discovered to amazing authors and books (Conversations with God and You Have Chosen to Remember). I read and I read and I read...I found great comfort in the words I was reading...I also found great comfort in Nolan. I realized that we were closer than ever. I began to see everything that had happened for a reason. It's like my eyes were opened and I began to see things differently and I began to come to terms with all my losses and that my life wasn't over...but just beginning.
So...while this day is one I will remember forever...I will remember it with joy and happiness of a wonderful gift I was given...even if it was for such a short time...that baby made a huge impact on my life and for that, I am truly grateful for God's grace...
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