100 things about ME:

Saw this on another blog and thought it would be fun! A few little things you may or may not know about me:

1. I used to be a "cat" person, but now I'm a "dog" person...
2. I have been pregnant 8 times (that I know of, LOL)...
3. I have had 4 miscarriages...
4. All my kids were born the old-fashioned way...
5. I still live in my home town and have never lived anywhere else...
6. I only had an epidural with my last labor/delivery...
7. I was baptized Catholic (as an infant), but work in a Methodist Church...
8. My babies were all 8 lbs plus...
9. I love the color purple...
10. I'm irrationally afraid of vomiting and once had a record of 17 yrs in between vomits, LOL...
11. I was 22 yrs old the first time I flew on an airplane...
12. I refused to fly on an airplane for 17 yrs until I found the perfect flying "cocktail"...
13. I've played the piano since I was 4 yrs. old and never took lessons...
14. I'm growing out my hair (short haircut) and it's driving me crazy...
15. My oldest son lives in Las Vegas...
16. I had a mastopexy (boobie lift, no implants) done last February...
17. I have a dachshund named Zoey and a pitbull named Maddox (aka: Maddie)...
18. I have 2 cats named Jordan & Luckee Lou...
19. I got braces when I was 28 yrs old...
20. I was a choir geek in high school...
21. I like rap music...
22. I can't remember the last time I rode a bicycle...
23. I wish I lived near the ocean instead of the mountains...
24. I have a terrible "sweet tooth"...
25. I lost my mom exactly one month (to the day) after my 36th birthday...
26. I met my husband at a roller skating rink in 1988...
27. I have an uncle who was convicted of murder in 1979...
28. I'm the youngest of 4 kids and I have 2 brothers and 1 sister...
29. I love to crochet scarves...
30. The very first concert I ever saw was The Cars in Denver in 1979...
31. The last concert I saw was Jack's Mannequin in 2009 at the Fillmore Auditorium...
32. I don't like Brussel Sprouts...
33. My bff was a big shot in the Air Force...
34. I prefer beer, but like a shot of Patron or Crown once in a while...
35. I'm 30 lbs. over weight...
36. I was born blond, but my natural color hair now is brunette (but highlighted)...
37. I'm tired 90% of the time...
38. I can't stand FAKE people...
39. I had an Angel encounter in 2006 (somewhere in Kansas)...
40. I used to work as an LPN until I quit to have another baby...
41. I'm addicted to Pumpkin Pie Blizzards...
42. I was a French "aide" in high school...
43. I'm currently employed as THE office administrator for a Methodist Church (I run the office)...
44. I'm not sure that I believe in the Holy Trinity...
45. My favorite car was my brand new 1992 Chevy Camaro which Nolan bought me after we got married...
46. I love to wear my pajamas all day on my days off (when I can)...
47. I love AMC's Fear Fest...
48. The Exorcist scared the crap out of me when I was 15 (and I still won't watch that movie again to this day)...
49. I'm fascinated by the Titanic...
50. I'm very afraid of sharks and bears...
51. I was married (briefly) before...
52. My husband adopted my son (from said previous marriage) in 1993...
53. I'm a pretty crappy housekeeper...
54. I now HAVE to wear reading glasses...
55. I really like 3oh3...
56. I never knew either of my grand fathers...
57. I can play Scott Joplin's "Maple Leaf Rag", "Heliotrope Bouquet" and "The Wall Street Rag" on the piano...
58. There's a certain person at the church that I cannot stand...
59. I dread Christmas every year...
60. Thanksgiving is actually my "favorite" holiday...
61. I just baked my first pie (from scratch) about a month ago (it was peach, btw)...
62. I still miss my old house/neighborhood after 8+ yrs...
63. I can't stand the way I look without make-up...
64. I wish I was 2 sizes smaller...
65. I ran and finished a 5k run in 2005...
66. My dd is taking dance lessons from the same teacher I had when I was her age...
67. We live on a cul-de-sac...
68. I sell AVON...
69. I live in Colorado and I've NEVER skied...
70. I can't stand when people buy sandals that are too small and their heels hang over the back edge...
71. I'm not liking myself so much right now...
72. I didn't get my driver's license until I was 17 yrs. old...
73. My first (purchased) car was a 1989 Nissan Sentra...
74. I love sweet potatoes...
75. I gave up beer for Lent this year...
76. I was born in 1964...
77. My favorite accessory (besides shoes) are scarves...
78. I have 2 tattoos (one on my hip that has a heart with my husband's name...and the other on my back with says: Carpe Diem)...
79. I used to have a pierced belly button...
80. The last cruise I went on was to the Western Caribbean...
81. I'm very nearsighted...
82. I have been to both coasts this year (Baltimore in April and San Diego in July)...
83. I like lobster better than crab...
84. I eat real butter...
85. My favorite wine is called: Ménage à trois (a yummy blend of 3 red wines)...
86. I think teenagers are very scary...
87. I hated Middle School...
88. I wear high heels almost everyday (the only time I don't is if I'm not leaving the house)
89. I had the chicken pox when I was 4 yrs. old...
90. My favorite number is FOUR...
91. I don't really like Golf...
92. I love football...
93. I haven't been to a movie theater in years...
94. My nick name (thanks to my brother Kenny) is Harold (don't ask, LOL)...
95. I'm a night owl...
96. I don't think that Heaven & Hell are places you go, but rather the state of your being and relationship to God...
97. My last pregnancy (at 40) ended in a miscarriage at 12.5 weeks...
98. I collect clocks...
99. I no longer send Christmas cards, instead...I sent Valentines cards...
100. It was hard to think of 100 things about me, LOL!

So proud of Taylor!!

Awwww...I am so very proud of my first daughter! She has become such a wonderful  young lady (and pretty cute too, I might add, LOL)! Not only is she an excellent student, but this is her second year in Student Council and her first year as a Varsity Cheer Leader! As a junior in hs, she's accomplished a lot and I know she'll go far in life! Taylor is about as sweet a girl as they come and I love spending time with her. She has also been very active in  Young Life for the last 3 or 4 yrs. She has always been a tremendous help to me not only around the house, but with watching her younger siblings when needed! Is she perfect?? Well no...she does some of the dumb things that teenagers often do, but she's learning! I love her with all my heart! ♥

The weekend!

Well...as luck would have it, we did not go to Steamboat...and I have to say, I am really relieved! It's not that I don't love SB, but the memories are just too much for me right now...and that's really the last place I wanted to be. So...I was very happy when Nolan came in yesterday morning and asked if I'd be upset if we didn't go to SB...so even better, it was his idea not to go and not mine!

On to a happier note...

Lots to do today...need to get caught up on the general housework I'm managed to procrastinate over for the last several days, LOL...Taylor is in Castle Rock this morning in a High School cheer competition! Not sure when she'll be back...and Paige has a Halloween/Bday party tonight from 6-9! After we drop her off at the party, we'll be headed over to Pete's for a dinner party (YAY...I got out of cooking "again" LOL)! Tomorrow is church (no FPU, woohoo!), the Bronco game and then home to get ready for Trick or Treating! I'm sad that my Fear Fest will be coming to an end (till next Halloween), but I'm kinda looking forward to Thanksgiving and the holidays!

No longer holding out...

Well...as my title states: I'm no longer "holding out"...I'm done! Today's events have proven to me that it's time to sever this friendship. I don't want to, but I have to...for my own sanity's sake. I can't keep having my head and emotions messed with. I've allowed this to go on much too long as it is and I know that it's going to have to be me to end it. I don't know why, but it seems that I'm often placed in these precarious positions where I feel forced to take a stand. One of the last ones I remember was after my last m/c. I had always said that I did not want to be pg or have babies in my 40s. There were several reasons, but mainly...I just did not want to be an "old" mom and be 50 and have a kindergartner. No offense to those who do it (more power to ya), but I just did not want that. Also...after 19 yrs of "parenting"...I was TIRED! While I love pg, birth and babies (and I'm sure I could have handled that part of it well into my 40s), it's the toddler+ stage that I just don't have the energy for anymore. That and I've gotten kind of spoiled being able to sleep thru the night again, LOL! However, I think my main reason was that after many, many years of feeling like I'd NEVER feel "done" having kids...by 40, I did feel done and ready to move on.

Well...things don't always work out like we planned...and after a decade plus of s-e-x, we never had an unplanned pg...until 2005. I don't want to get into the whole sorted story...but suffice it to say that I was shocked, angry, etc...when I found out I was pg...but after a few weeks, I couldn't have been happier to have been given the opportunity to experience it all one more time...All this, only to have it end in m/c at 12.5 weeks. I don't think "devastated" even begins to scratch the surface of how I was feeling. Nolan had agreed (prior to unplanned pg) to having a vasectomy...but because of all the eye/vision issues he had been having for the last few years...the big "V" had been put off just a little bit too long. When we found out by u/s that the baby had no heartbeat...Nolan said we could "try" to have another...but I couldn't...I just couldn't go thru all that again (this was my 4th m/c total).

It was at that point that I decided to take matters into my own hands (sort of like my current friend situation). I was going to have to be put under general anesthesia to have the D&C, so I told them to just go ahead and tie my tubes while he was at it. DONE...just like that! I realize now that I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to not only grieve the loss of my baby, but also the loss of my fertility as well. It was a tough time...a very difficult year or two. I also realize now that it was probably all for the best. I just simply did what needed to be done. I didn't WANT to do it, but I NEEDED to.

I also realize that the heartbeat of this relationship has stopped. I suppose I haven't been able to accept it or acknowledge the truth about it...but it's dead...and like other "dead" things...there's no bringing it back. What was...is no longer. I don't know...maybe I just need to feel that I have "some"  control of a situation  in which (realistically) I have NO control over. I know that this won't be easy...I know that I will be tempted to respond to contact...but I can't. If I do...then I'm back to the drawing board. God...why can't I take my own damned advice. I've been preaching to Jimmy for what, 6 months now, to quit contacting or trying to contact Steph...because every time he does, it just opens the wound up again and it has to start healing all over. I see the rational in this, but for some reason, it seems much harder to apply it to my own situation. Unfortunately...while I can remove myself from this person for most of the time...I can't 100% and that is going to be very hard on me. And...it will be like this for the next 10 yrs or so. Gosh...hopefully, I won't be crying in my beer about this 10 years from now, LOL!

As friends do...they come and they go. Some leave little to no impact on your life, while others leave a huge impact on your life. Crap...why can't I type this without crying. My heart is broken honestly. I wish I was one of those people who could just mutter "screw it..." and never look back again...but I'm not. My feelings just seem to run so damn deep in everyone and everything. The worst thing about this??? I cannot openly share my heartache with anyone. It is just far too painful to talk about and there are other factors that just make it impossible to discuss with anyone...well, I guess I have told Michelle a little bit...but even with her (my bff), I'm finding it hard to really open up. Like Michelle, this friend has left an indilable imprint on my life... one that will never be erased...and one that I will honestly cherish forever. Perhaps the old adage: All good things must come to an end...is true after all. I know it is in this case...

I'm trying to hold onto great memories I have...but it's hard...because right now, I don't want to think about it. Yet...so many things keep coming up that force me to and I hate it. I want to be done with it...but I know that in a strange way...even if I'm consciously and physically DONE, I can't escape my memories. Funny thing about memories...they can be a joy or a curse. I know where I need to focus myself right now...and that's my husband, my children and my God. I will pray too...pray for peace in this situation. Along with my other great WOW (words of wisdom) that I've passed along to Jimmy...I have to remind myself that while the severing may be swift and painless...the healing will take time...it's a process that one must go thru to feel whole again...

If you've read this far...thanks for letting me ramble in your ear...

The recital is getting close...

 Well...it's that time of year again: Christmas dance recital time! Paige is in her 3rd year at the dance studio and her 3rd semester with Sarah. I'm really pleased overall with the recital this year. I love their costumes which are a very pretty, sparkly blue (yes...blue for Christmas!!) and the song they're dancing to just happens to be one of my favorites: Sleigh Ride!!! I think Paige is really loving dance....My hope is that as long as she's doing it...she loves it! Recital will be in mid December and I'll post some pics of her then...but for now, here's a couple shots of her in class:

You just never know...

what you're going to see standing on a street corner in town. One day it's politicians...the next, it's a ginormous FROG !!! This taken on the way to Paige's dance class!! I just couldn't resist...

Was this just luck...

Or...divine intervention?? After my very nice and very new (had for less than a year) camara got destroyed at Sea World San Diego last summer, I was without a camara :( and really not wanting to fork out another couple hundred dollars for yet another new one. As luck (or possibly divine intervention) would have it...I remembered that we had a camara in the lost and found at work. I knew it had been there for some time and when I went and checked...I had put a sticky note on it with a date from last May on it. I took the camara out of the case and looked thru all the photos, thinking that I might recognize someone in the photo from the church...but I didn't. In fact, I didn't even see any photos on the memory card that showed the church at all. I really wanted to just take it home then (last August)...but, in good conscience...I couldn't take that camara unless I felt in my heart that I had done all I could do to find it's rightful owner.

So...for the next month, I put a blurb in the weekly church bulletin and also sent out several "all church" emails which said we have a digital camara in lost & found...owner identify. Well...as luck (or divine intervention would have it), no one claimed it! So Pastor Rhonda told me to just take it...it was mine! So I became the owner of a nice Nikon digital camara! There was only one problem...because I "found" this camara...I did not have the proper USB cable to upload the pictures into my computer. I looked online to buy one, but the cheapie ones had bad reviews and the genuine Nikon replacement cables were kinda $$$. Well...when in doubt...do nothing. I figured for the time being, I could just remove the memory card and put it into Nolan's camara and upload them that way (which worked fine, but was kind of a hassle)...then...

Another miracle happened...

About 3 weeks ago, we were invited to Pete's for a dinner party. Oh how I love to eat at Pete's house! Pete is of middle eastern descent (he says he's "Persian", but we all know that's IRAN)...anyway, he makes the most exotic and tasty foods that it's always a dining extravaganza to eat there. Anyway...while we were waiting for the main dish to be served, I was sitting there at his kitchen bar counter when I see MY camara...well, it wasn't actually MY camara, but it was identical to mine (even down to the same color). I made a comment about having just aquired a camara just like that, but minus the usb cable. Well...Pete goes away and comes back with the box his camara came in and told me to take the usb cable that he didn't need it cause he has a slot in his computer where his memory card just plugs right into. I couldn't believe it!! So I ask you again...was it luck??? Or divine intervention???

I'm going with "Divine Intervention" LOL!!