No longer holding out...

Well...as my title states: I'm no longer "holding out"...I'm done! Today's events have proven to me that it's time to sever this friendship. I don't want to, but I have to...for my own sanity's sake. I can't keep having my head and emotions messed with. I've allowed this to go on much too long as it is and I know that it's going to have to be me to end it. I don't know why, but it seems that I'm often placed in these precarious positions where I feel forced to take a stand. One of the last ones I remember was after my last m/c. I had always said that I did not want to be pg or have babies in my 40s. There were several reasons, but mainly...I just did not want to be an "old" mom and be 50 and have a kindergartner. No offense to those who do it (more power to ya), but I just did not want that. Also...after 19 yrs of "parenting"...I was TIRED! While I love pg, birth and babies (and I'm sure I could have handled that part of it well into my 40s), it's the toddler+ stage that I just don't have the energy for anymore. That and I've gotten kind of spoiled being able to sleep thru the night again, LOL! However, I think my main reason was that after many, many years of feeling like I'd NEVER feel "done" having kids...by 40, I did feel done and ready to move on.

Well...things don't always work out like we planned...and after a decade plus of s-e-x, we never had an unplanned pg...until 2005. I don't want to get into the whole sorted story...but suffice it to say that I was shocked, angry, etc...when I found out I was pg...but after a few weeks, I couldn't have been happier to have been given the opportunity to experience it all one more time...All this, only to have it end in m/c at 12.5 weeks. I don't think "devastated" even begins to scratch the surface of how I was feeling. Nolan had agreed (prior to unplanned pg) to having a vasectomy...but because of all the eye/vision issues he had been having for the last few years...the big "V" had been put off just a little bit too long. When we found out by u/s that the baby had no heartbeat...Nolan said we could "try" to have another...but I couldn't...I just couldn't go thru all that again (this was my 4th m/c total).

It was at that point that I decided to take matters into my own hands (sort of like my current friend situation). I was going to have to be put under general anesthesia to have the D&C, so I told them to just go ahead and tie my tubes while he was at it. DONE...just like that! I realize now that I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to not only grieve the loss of my baby, but also the loss of my fertility as well. It was a tough time...a very difficult year or two. I also realize now that it was probably all for the best. I just simply did what needed to be done. I didn't WANT to do it, but I NEEDED to.

I also realize that the heartbeat of this relationship has stopped. I suppose I haven't been able to accept it or acknowledge the truth about it...but it's dead...and like other "dead" things...there's no bringing it back. What was...is no longer. I don't know...maybe I just need to feel that I have "some"  control of a situation  in which (realistically) I have NO control over. I know that this won't be easy...I know that I will be tempted to respond to contact...but I can't. If I do...then I'm back to the drawing board. God...why can't I take my own damned advice. I've been preaching to Jimmy for what, 6 months now, to quit contacting or trying to contact Steph...because every time he does, it just opens the wound up again and it has to start healing all over. I see the rational in this, but for some reason, it seems much harder to apply it to my own situation. Unfortunately...while I can remove myself from this person for most of the time...I can't 100% and that is going to be very hard on me. And...it will be like this for the next 10 yrs or so. Gosh...hopefully, I won't be crying in my beer about this 10 years from now, LOL!

As friends do...they come and they go. Some leave little to no impact on your life, while others leave a huge impact on your life. Crap...why can't I type this without crying. My heart is broken honestly. I wish I was one of those people who could just mutter "screw it..." and never look back again...but I'm not. My feelings just seem to run so damn deep in everyone and everything. The worst thing about this??? I cannot openly share my heartache with anyone. It is just far too painful to talk about and there are other factors that just make it impossible to discuss with anyone...well, I guess I have told Michelle a little bit...but even with her (my bff), I'm finding it hard to really open up. Like Michelle, this friend has left an indilable imprint on my life... one that will never be erased...and one that I will honestly cherish forever. Perhaps the old adage: All good things must come to an end...is true after all. I know it is in this case...

I'm trying to hold onto great memories I have...but it's hard...because right now, I don't want to think about it. Yet...so many things keep coming up that force me to and I hate it. I want to be done with it...but I know that in a strange way...even if I'm consciously and physically DONE, I can't escape my memories. Funny thing about memories...they can be a joy or a curse. I know where I need to focus myself right now...and that's my husband, my children and my God. I will pray too...pray for peace in this situation. Along with my other great WOW (words of wisdom) that I've passed along to Jimmy...I have to remind myself that while the severing may be swift and painless...the healing will take time...it's a process that one must go thru to feel whole again...

If you've read this far...thanks for letting me ramble in your ear...