Reverse Anorexia Syndrome??

Bet ya never heard of it, huh? LOL Well, I actually thought that I had "made up" that term...but to my surprise...someone beat me to it! Okay, but seriously...either I have some kinda "magic" mirror or I am suffering from some form of RAS (reverse anorexia syndrome). Before I explain, I must put in a disclaimer: that is not me in the photo and there's no such thing as magic mirrors! So, you ask yourself, what the hay is RAS? You know how anorexics are skin and bones, yet when they look in the mirror...they see a fat person? Well, someone with RAS is a fat person that looks into the mirror and sees a thin person. Take myself for example...I can look in the mirror (my full length bedroom mirror) and think...okay, I'm no size 0, but even at size 16...I look fine (at least that's what I think I see). I go merrily along my way all the while thinking I look "fine". It's not until I see a photo of myself (and there's not many cause I'm usually the one taking the pictures) that I realize...OMG...that's not what I saw in the mirror! Is that what I "really" look like? Is that how others see me? How can this be? Is it my mirror or is it my mind? I really don't have a concrete answer.

While I am using a little humor here, I'm actually quite serious about my misconstrued body image. Usually, we women, have a negative body image. That is...we actually look fine, but pick apart our minor flaws...yet, here I am looking hideous, all the while feeling great about myself. I think I might have some answers though. If you look at most anorexics...they were once heavy/fat and even though they've lost dozens of pounds...they still see the heavier person they once were. In my case...I have always been thin/slender. As a kid, I was just a little string bean...in my teen years, I grew quite tall 5'9" but I barely topped 120 lbs. I was very tall and slender. After the birth of my first child (at age 21)...I did absolutely nothing to lose the 50 lbs I had gained during my pg...yet within a year, I was back to my "normal" weight. After the birth of my second baby some 8 yrs. later...I did hang on to an extra 10 lbs, but even at 130/135 lbs...I was still quite thin. However, something happened after #3 was born. I tacked on another 10-15 lbs. I wasn't really trying to lose the weight because I was still nursing and thinking of having one more child. Then, in 2001 my fourth and final baby was born. Since that time, I've lost 20 lbs...gained it back and pretty much stayed the same weight (with no diet or exercise) since then. Yet, I still see thin person when I look in the mirror. So, is it wishful thinking or is my perception that "off"?? IDK...

While I know I'll never be 120 lbs again...I do feel that a healthy weight for me is around 155 lbs (give or take a few). I guess the last photo I saw of myself finally snapped me into reality that if I don't do something soon...it won't be long before I break 200 lbs. (wow...that's a lot). I can no longer use the excuse that it's "baby" weight...I mean, sheesh...my baby's 7 years old already, LOL...I know it's going to take a lot of hard work and dedication to achieve the desired results. And while I have been working hard (I walked 36 miles in January and that's minus one week that I was sick with an URI) and 16 miles this week alone...I'm not seeing the results I so long for (the scale going DOWN)...in fact, my last weigh-in, it had gone up 1.4 lbs...talk about a blow. I'm hoping it's because I'm gaining muscle. Anyway, I know I'm being impatient...but I have to keep reminding myself that it took many, many years to accumulate this extra weight and it's gonna take some time to get it off.

I wish that I could just be satisfied/content with my body the way it is (fat)...but that's just not me. I'm like a thin person trapped in a fat body. Being thin was all I ever knew and I want to be that way again...because that's what I am. Holding my breath til next Wednesday's Weigh-In...